Roxanne Claire - Barefoot by the Sea

“Why not?”

“Because…because I don’t want to get close to your heart and know your past and understand your pain and still not…” She stopped, waving her hand.

“Still not what?” He didn’t follow where she was going.

“Don’t you get it?”

“Get what?”

“I don’t want to fall in love with you.” She tipped her head good-bye and took off across the field, slipping off her gardening gloves and stuffing them into her back pocket.

“But I want to fall in love with you,” he whispered but didn’t follow her.

He’d have to show her, not tell her, how he felt.

Tessa went straight to Lacey’s house after her miserable failure at the clinic that morning, aching to cry on her best friend’s shoulder. But there was no room on either shoulder; one had a baby, the other a cell phone.

Lacey nearly melted with relief at the sight of Tessa, handing her the baby and mouthing, “It’s Willow from the AABC.” Her eyes pleaded for help, underscoring how important the call was. “Oh, we can definitely arrange that,” Lacey said into the phone, the voice of efficiency as she walked away, leaving Tessa holding the one thing in the world she wasn’t sure she could handle right that minute.

“Hey, shrimp,” she whispered to the baby as he gave her a slow, toothless smile. Wait, what was that she spied in his gums? “A pearly white, Elijah?” He grinned, as if proud of the first millimeter of tooth he’d grown.

She squeezed the little body, a rock-solid twenty pounds of chunk and charm. Some drool slipped out of the corner of his mouth, and Tessa wandered into the family room, snagging a hand towel from the top of a basket of folded laundry.

As she dabbed his face, she dropped onto the sofa, trying to snuggle, but Elijah only wanted to stand.

“I gotchya, don’t worry,” she whispered, letting him lock his wobbly baby legs. Standing firm on her thighs with a death-grip on her thumbs, he let out a soft giggle of joy.

Love and longing and no small amount of unfettered envy ripped through her chest. “Enough of that holding stuff, huh? You’re Mr. Independent.”

His head bobbled a little, along with one leg, but he got his balance and grinned, one huge dimple making her let out a little moan. She couldn’t resist pulling him close and nuzzling his neck to sniff that powdery, precious, sweet smell, and got a little dribble on her face.

Really, there ought to be a law against being forced to hold a five-month-old baby an hour after the lady at the fertility clinic—or the infertility clinic, as the case may be—showed you a list of completely unacceptable surrogate options and announced it could be a year or more until the perfect one came along, so would you like your deposit back?

No, damn it. She wanted a baby, not a repayment of her deposit.

“But your eggs are frozen, so what’s the rush?” She imitated Maryann’s preternaturally bright and cheery voice, tilting her head from one side to the other. The high pitch made Elijah laugh, and she pulled him close again and kissed his cheek, hating the burn behind her eyes.

“I’m tired of waiting, Elijah,” she admitted into his rolls of baby neck fat.

A door slammed, making Elijah startle and Tessa turn to the kitchen to see Ashley come in from the garage, earbuds in, backpack sailing toward the kitchen table with a thud.

“Hey, Ash,” Tessa said.

But the music must have been too loud, because she didn’t look up but let out a little shudder, wiping her eyes.

“Ashley! Are you crying?”

That got her attention, making her whip out the earbuds and blink in surprise. “What are you doing here, Aunt Tess?”

“I stopped by to talk to your mom.” When Ashley glanced around, a flash of guilt in her expression, Tessa stood. “She’s in her office. What’s going on?”

At the sight of his older sister, Elijah let out a soft cry, squirming to get to her.

Ashley shook her head like she didn’t want any part of him, then softened at the second cry, reaching out. “Hey, doughnut hole.” She gave a shaky smile to Tessa. “That’s my secret name for him. Munchkin is too obvious.”

She took the baby in a surprisingly natural move, getting close enough for Tessa to confirm she’d been crying, even though she tried to hide her face in the same folds of baby neck Tessa had been snuggling.

“Want to talk?” Tessa asked.

“No. Yes. Oh, Aunt Tess.” She squeezed the baby closer. “I’ll cry on my brother’s shoulder.”

“What is it?” Tessa reached for her, a bunch of possibilities jumping through her mind, but she already knew what Ashley was going to say.

“He broke up with me.”

She had to fight not to sigh in relief. “Aw, Ash. I’m sorry.”

Looking up from her hiding place behind Elijah’s head, Ashley’s eyes tapered. “Are you?”

“I’m sorry you’re hurt.”

She glanced toward the hall. “Is she good and involved on the phone or something?”

“Completely involved.” Tessa urged her down to the sofa. “Tell me what happened.”

She sat, situating the baby on her lap, stroking his little face tenderly as she considered her words. “He dumped me. By text.”

“What a jerk.”

“No, it’s—”

“He’s a jerk,” Tessa said. “Don’t try and defend a text dump.”

That made her smile at the same time her eyes filled. “’Kay. It’s shitty.”

“Utterly. What did he say?”

She screwed up her face. “The usual. I’m too clingy. He’s too busy. We want different things from a relationship. He wants freedom but we can be friends with—” She stopped herself and let her forehead lean against Elijah’s, looking him in the eye. “You ever offer that to a girl and I’ll kill you, little dude. You are not going to be one of those guys.”

“Not with you as such a loving sister,” Tessa said. “You’ll be fine, Ash. Better.”

“I know, I know.” She swallowed hard. “I should never have…”

Oh, Tessa hated the unfinished sentences. She wanted to ask, but really didn’t have the right. “Regret doesn’t get you anything,” she said.

“You sound like Aunt Jocelyn,” she said. “She’s got one of those motivational quotes for everything.”

“That’s ’cause I’m trying not to say what I’m thinking.”

Ashley’s jade eyes met hers. “You can. I want you to.”

“Okay. You were in deep, Ash, and now you’re out.”

“But being in deep felt so good, Aunt Tess.” She let out a dramatic sigh, as only Ashley could do. “It was so nice to have someone focus on me and nothing else.”

“You sure it’s over, or is this one of those break-up-four-times-before-it’s-really-over things?”

“It’s over.” She handed the baby to Tessa. “I need to eat chocolate. Or potato chips. Or both at the same time.”

Tessa laughed softly. “I think you’re going to rebound fast, kiddo.”

“Hope so. How about you? How’s it going with Chef Hottie?”

“About as well,” she admitted glumly, bouncing Elijah as he started to fuss. “I think he…what did you say? He wants different things from a relationship.”

Ashley nodded knowingly. “Blows. And you have to pretend to marry him.” She crinkled her nose. “Awkward,” she sang.

“You have no idea.”

“Is that you, Ash?” At the sound of Lacey’s voice Elijah let out a little wail, squiggling around to find her.

Ashley squeezed Tessa’s arm. “Please, not a word. It doesn’t make any difference now and I’ve learned my lesson, believe me.”

Tessa lost the fight to keep Elijah once he locked on his mommy-target. He made a cooey, gooey, gummy sound that gave Lacey a huge smile as she practically ran into the room.

“Did you hear that, Ash? He said ‘Mama’!”

Without letting Lacey see, Ashley rolled her eyes. “I think he said nyum-nyum-nyum.”

Lacey took the baby, eyes bright. “I just talked to Willow from the AABC and nailed down every detail. They are so excited about the wedding.”

Another eye roll from Ashley, but Lacey saw this one. “How was school, honey?”

“Fine.” She stood. “I’m starved. What’s for dinner?”

“Dinner?” Lacey gave a dry laugh. “Tonight’s the first walk-through of Tessa’s wedding.”

Tessa almost fell back on the sofa. “Already?”

“Oh, God, are you still going to use that thing I wrote, Mom?”

Elijah let out a power scream, slapping his little hands on Lacey’s shoulder.

“I gotta feed him,” she said, turning toward the bedroom. “C’mon, Tess. Did you want to talk to me about something?”

“It’s not important,” she said, getting a quick “I told you so” secret glance from Ashley before she rounded the counter and headed to the pantry.

“Are you sure?” Lacey said, picking up the vibe. “’Cause I can chat while I feed him.”

Tessa shook her head. She’d had enough maternal envy on the heels of infertility disappointments for one day. “I have to get back and finish my sweet potatoes.”

“Well, I’ll walk out with you.” Lacey stayed close until they reached the door, then she glanced over her shoulder. “What were you talking to Ashley about?”

The opportunity was too good to pass up. “Her F in calculus and how drunk she got last weekend.”

Lacey almost fell backwards. “Wha—”

“I’m kidding.”

“Why?”

“Because you needed the shock treatment.”

She frowned, shaking her head in confusion. “What do you mean?”

She may have promised to stay mum about the boyfriend, but she hadn’t promised anything about what had caused that small crisis.

“Your daughter misses you,” Tessa said softly. “And we’ve been friends a long time, so I feel like I have a right to remind you that you have two kids, Lace. One who’s been your soul mate for a long, long time.”