Riley Mackenzie - Beautifully Awake

Wait, one of us? The rest? Not sure which to address first, my filter-less mouth took care of that.

“What do you mean, one of us?”

“Blue, who are you kidding? Not only did you almost kill yourself trying to keep up with me in the park, which by the way was pretty fucking hot if I forgot to tell you, but you’re not getting to sleep anytime soon, follow me? Baby, the way you sleep, you’ll be lucky if you make it in by nine tomorrow.”

Anger rose from my gut.

“Let me see if I get this ... so now that I’m fucking the boss, I’m suddenly eliminated from morning rounds. Oh that’s professional, not to mention insulting. Maybe in your world, the rules don’t apply, but the rest of us-”

Chase’s mouth covered mine before I got a chance to finish my tirade. The kiss was excruciating. Pulling away only inches his eyes nailed mine.

“First. The only thing insulting is you calling what we share fucking. Got it? Second, just so you know, I have never made a case manager round in the morning after the first day. Ever. Until you. I laid eyes on you—damn, I contemplated adding fucking midnight rounds just to spend more time with you. If you’re going to be pissed, be pissed about that. And while I’m at it, I personally don’t give a shit who knows about us. Understand? We’re both adults. And there’s not a person at that hospital who would question your professionalism. They all love you, and they should. You’re awesome at your job. But it’s your call. I’ll give you that. I’ll go along with whatever you want, for now ... but I can’t promise people won’t figure it out. Blue, I’m a lot of things, but actor is not one of them.”

Speechless. There were no words. None. Zero. Damn this man leveled me. My heart almost pounded out of my chest. I grabbed his face between my palms and kissed him like my life depended on it. His lips were my new heaven. Soft, possessive, safe. Hoping my tongue’s assault spoke the words that I knew I couldn’t. I’m sorry.

“Beautiful, you ... fucking ... kill ... me,” he breathed, forehead to forehead. “Can you please go pack a fucking bag? I really need to get home and make love to my girl ... in our bed.”

Make love...

My girl...

Our bed…

Done. I was done. This beautiful man owned my broken heart.

I packed a bag—several days’ worth—and we went back to Chase’s apartment where he did as he promised.

He made love to me.

Soft and sweet.

Hands entwined above our heads, stomach to stomach, tongue cherishing tongue.

Every delicious push ... every kiss, spoke silent novels.

As broken as I was ... as tormented as his intense eyes said he was…

We were perfect. We fit.

No apologies. No explanations.

Just us. Perfection.

My head rose and fell with each of his breaths as I rested on his very naked chest. “Chase?” He softly kissed the tip of my nose. His room was dark and warm and smelled of us.

“Yeah, baby,” he whispered.

There was no fighting my tears. “I’m broken. I’m not what you think.”

“Baby, we’re all broken. You ... you are everything. And so much more.”

“Chase ... why?”

“I don’t give a shit why, Blue. The past twelve days have been the best damn days of my life. I keep asking myself, why me? I don’t deserve you ... not even close, period. None of you. Not your smile, not your laugh ... not that look in your eyes when you come and scream my name. None of it. You are pure sweet. I’m anything but. I tried to stay away. Damn, I tried.”

There was something familiar about those beautiful grey eyes that mirrored my own. He wasn’t just tormented; he was broken too.

“When you said the rules didn’t apply in my world—baby, you weren’t wrong. Fuck, you were more right than you’ll ever know. It’s fucking toxic. I’m toxic. You-”

I interrupted him because it wasn’t so long ago that his words could have been my own. “Chase, don’t-”

“Blue, baby. I couldn’t walk away now if I tried. You’re mine. Hear me? Mine ... say it.” Even in the darkness of the bedroom his eyes were as passionate as his words.

“Yours.”

“Look at me.” I was, but I knew what he meant. Look past the outside; dive deeper. “I know I don’t deserve you. But I won’t share. I can’t. I’m not built that way. Not any of you. You’re mine, baby.” He needed reassurance as much as I did that this was real.

“Yours, baby ... yours.” Because as much as I was his, he was mine.

Then Dr. Possessive did what he does and made love to me again. And suddenly sleeping in seemed like the best idea. Ever.

Iglanced at my phone trying to focus, still half asleep. I had to change that damn text alert chime. And I really needed to stop sleeping in contacts.

I’m in labor

Oh my god. Pick up. Why wasn’t she picking up the damn phone?

“Hey, Asspuck. What happened to calling when you got home?”

“Sier, where are you? It’s too early ... you okay, the baby?”

“Oh. I’m not in labor,” she said wryly.

“Sierra! What the hell is wrong with you? I almost had a freaking heart attack.”

“Good, that’s what you get. Now you know how I felt. Maybe you’ll think twice before disappearing for a weekend without calling to let me know you’re okay. For all I knew, Dr. Hot-as-Balls kidnapped and killed you.”

“Dramatic much? I texted you.”

“Oh, you mean your sorry I have to cancel, explain later text an hour before we were supposed to meet. That text?”

“K, Mom, point made. Are you done being annoying?”

“Hell no. Now I want details. And don’t leave out the good parts. Damn, you weren’t kidding. Holy shit, he’s hot. But please say he’s not always that intense. He looked like a man possessed. I couldn’t tell if he wanted to rip your clothes off or Guy’s eyes out more. I can’t believe I left you. Shit. I totally wasn’t thinking. My damn placenta brain. With Dodd away all week I was horny, and then when you didn’t answer your phone, I felt like total shit that I encouraged you. I just, I don’t know, I didn’t expect him to be so...” Sierra was rambling. Sierra never rambled. And that made me feel guilty.

“Stop. I get it. You’re so right. I’m sorry. I should have called, but really ... you don’t have to worry. He’s definitely intense, but that’s only one part of him. He’s the real deal, Sier,” I paused. It was difficult to describe it or define it. “I can’t explain it, but it’s good. He’s good. I think I trust him ... am I crazy?”

“Fine, you’re forgiven, but the jury is still out on Dr. Fucknuts. Speaking of—still waiting. How was it? Should I call him Dr. Crowbar? When they are that insanely hot, it’s a flip of the coin whether they actually know how to use the damn thing, so which is it? Please say you scored heads?”

I chuckled. “You have serious issues, you know that, right?”

“Absolutely, but that’s why you love me! Don’t leave me hanging.”

“Fine. Yes. Definitely heads ... umm ... all around.” If Sierra only saw my smile.

“That’s freaking fantastic.” Her belly laugh was contagious even over the phone.

“Okay. Are we done now? I have to get ready for work, and I’m seeing you for lunch in only a few hours.”

“Wait. You’re not at work? It’s almost eight. Where the hell are you?”

Oh, lying sprawled out in Dr. Sex’s massive bed, naked.

“Oh. We stayed at Chase’s last night. We got back from New York a little late, and his apartment is closer to the hospital.” Not to mention Dr. Sexy is also Dr. Possessive and not really big into sharing, not even with my apartment.

“You were in the city? What? But why aren’t you at work? Did your vagina need a sick day?”

“Ha-ha. NO! Just going in a little late.” I wasn’t even sure where to begin with that one. I gave in on the whole morning rounding thing last night, but I had a feeling we needed to re-address that issue. I did not need to bring up Dr. Dominant just yet.

“Hmm. Sounds a little suspect to me.”

“Sier, can we finish this at lunch? I really have to get ready.”

“Oh shit. I almost forgot. I saw Kate at Whole Foods yesterday and she seemed a little down in the dumps over shithead, so I invited her to lunch. That’s the other reason I called early. I knew you probably wouldn’t want to announce you were screwing your boss at lunch.”

Obviously.

“Thanks for the heads up. See you later then.”

“K. Oh, and Lil … for what it’s worth, I hope he’s the real deal. You really do deserve it.”

“Thanks, Sierra. Honestly, I don’t know what to hope for. But I’ll admit, for the first time in a long time, I feel pretty lucky.”

“You should, after all, you got heads.”

Freak!

I lay in Chase’s massive king-size bed covered in stark white linens. It reminded me of his Manhattan mausoleum bedroom, but not as cozy. It was simple and bare and lacked color, a clean slate. I wondered if he just moved in or simply liked it that way. According to his best friend, he picked Philly over two other cities he had strong ties to. Granted, if Constance was my mother, I probably would have picked California. A six-hour plane ride seemed like a sane distance from his bat shit crazy mother. And I was in her company for less than an hour. Boston, though, was still a bit of a mystery. Chase mentioned during dinner that he attended BU’s six-year combined undergraduate MD program, and Asher mentioned something about a business there. Boston could have been a solid choice if he wanted a break from his toxic world. Not that I was complaining about his ultimate choice. Definitely not complaining. The past few days gave me small glimpses and snapshots—enough to know I desired more. Everything. I needed him to trust me enough to share. Pot meet kettle.