Kate sat down next to me while I worked on some discharge paperwork. “Lili, seriously, what’s his problem?”

“Who?” I knew full well who she was talking about.

“Chase, that’s who. He can be a moody turd, hmm?”

Did she just say turd? The girl seriously needed to learn to curse.

“Turd, Kate? Do me a favor, don’t ever use that word again.”

“What’s wrong with turd?”

Seriously?

“Forget it. So what happened?”

“For the past two weeks, Guy, Jackson and I have been working like slaves. I get Chase wanting his own personal team, I do. Actually that’s part of what makes him a better surgeon than the rest. But you think he would give us a little break. Not for nothing, but we’re still making up for the cases he missed the week he was away, on top of being overbooked.” I felt guilty. Kate looked exhausted and I was the reason Chase missed that week. Now my friends were paying for it. “Today he made an appearance in recovery and freaked over the way Guy put the dressing on. Lil, I mean freaked. Then he yelled at me because I didn’t fix it.”

“You should have told him to fix it himself if he had a problem.” Maybe turd was appropriate. “Anyway, when did he start letting anyone else put the dressing on? He’s anal about that stuff.”

“Oh, since he busted his hand this week. He’s only been scrubbing for the crazy difficult parts of his cases. Otherwise, Guy and Jackson have been doing everything.”

All I heard was busted his hand. My stomach plummeted.

“What happened to his hand?” I tried sounding nonchalant. What the hell is he doing?

“I think he said he tripped running or something. His left hand is still really swollen, and he got a nasty gash by his ear.”

Running my ass.

He was fighting, fighting without any gear. Hurting himself and risking his career. I was sick. It was so much more than blowing off steam. Something was eating at him. Why wouldn’t he just tell me?

I made up some stupid excuse why I had to run, again. I was getting good at that. I didn’t want to hurt Kate’s feelings, but I was crawling out of my skin thinking about Chase’s self-destructive behavior. I couldn’t sit still a second longer. And it wasn’t really a lie; I had full intentions of going home to get my sneakers. I needed a few miles to clear my head.

But before I left, Kate said, “Just so you know, Lil, the new case manager—he kicked her out of his OR. Guy made it sound like she isn’t allowed in a mile radius.”

Shit. Now his patients are suffering because of me, too.

Seven miles later, my shins felt like rubber and my ears throbbed from blasting my iPod. Nothing like my favorite Pandora station to make you want to slit your wrists when your heart was already in the process of shattering. Thanks, Jason Mraz.

I felt sick. Sick over ditching work early, sick over finding out Chase’s awake cases were going uncovered now. Sick over missing Chase, sick over how fucked up he was, sick over the fact I was completely in love with him and had no idea if we could ever be together again.

I was almost home when my phone rang.

“Hi Dad! Everything okay?”

“Does something have to be wrong to call my babydoll?”

“No, but you always call on Saturdays.”

“That’s because you usually check in a few times during the week. Don’t want you to think the old man is being a nag.”

Not possible.

“You’re never a nag, Dad. I’m sorry I haven’t called all week, it’s been a little crazy.”

That was a lie. Truth was I knew my dad would ask about Chase and I didn’t know what to say. Dad was still so upset and worrying over everything that went down with the trial. He hated that he couldn’t protect me, then or now. One of the worst nights of my life after the rape was overhearing my dad in his room crying, telling Sharon that he was a failure. That a father’s one job in this world was to protect his child, and he couldn’t do that for me. He couldn’t erase the rape or the trauma of losing a baby conceived in brutality. That was the night I called Sierra and asked if I could spend a little time at her parents’ place in the Cape. That was the night I told her I’d move to Philly. My dad and I both needed a fresh start.

Unfortunately, I knew he felt like a traitor for not leaving Wrangel, even though he couldn’t afford to. He might have been relieved that I was able to get away, but he needed his pension and only had a few years left before he could collect.

That’s probably why he liked Chase so much, or at least the idea of a strong alpha male taking care of his little girl. So it was easier to let him think we were still together.

“It’s okay, I know how busy you are with your job. I just thought you might like to know ... um...”

“Dad, what is it?” I sensed my dad’s hesitation.

“Well, it’s two things. Really good news, I guess. Someone finally got Roy Wayne’s wife to speak up. Heard she testified yesterday and confirmed everything you had said happened all those years ago. About friggin’ time, if you ask me. Anyway, that prosecutor lady stopped by the shop today ... said they were just waiting on the jury to come back, but looks like that sick bastard is going away for a long time.”

Wow. So justice was going to be served after all. I didn’t know how to feel. I probably should have been relieved or vindicated, but I wasn’t. I was definitely happy for the little boy. No more life full of fear. But as far as I was concerned, I was ... numb.

“That’s good news, Dad.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t make up for how that damn Reed kid treated you in court.” Dad sounded like was getting himself all worked up. That was the last thing I wanted.

“Dad, really I’m fine. Please, calm down. What’s the other news?”

“How’s Chase doing? Better be treating you well. I like that man. Well, aside from not knowing his ass from his elbow when it comes to hockey, that is.”

“Um, Dad. He’s fine. Why are you changing the subject, though?” Ugh. I chanted little white lies don’t count to myself.

“Yeah, well the other news has to do with-” He didn’t need to finish. I knew exactly who he was talking about. My dad and I had similar coping mechanisms. We both adopted the I’ll be damned if I utter his name again in this lifetime approach.

“What about selfish fuck-face?”

There was a small pause. I guess I forgot to let Dad in on Chase’s replacement name, selfish fuck-face. My dad never heard me curse.

“Looks like the whole fuck-face family is heading to Texas or some shit like that.” My lips turned up slightly at how quickly my dad adopted his new name. “Not that we care. Good riddance. As far as I’m concerned, China’s too close.”

“What? Why would they move?” The Reed family was as Wrangel as they come. Owners of a family restaurant, passed down from generation to generation. They were the epitome of the town motto. Born in Wrangel. Die in Wrangel. And Selfish was the poster boy for ambitionless. Why try if Mommy and Daddy paid your way?

“Seems they can’t afford to renew their lease on the pub. Gonna try their luck down south. Because Texas doesn’t have enough BBQ joints?”

“Dad, that’s crazy. Not that I’m complaining. Good riddance is right. But Reed’s pub has been there forever.”

“Yeah, I know. But heard they’re planning on re-doing that whole shopping center, breaking the pub into a few smaller shops ... one of those cell phone stores and a fancy Chinese joint with the half dead fish.”

I smirked at my dad’s rendition of Japanese food.

“Japanese, Dad. And it’s called sushi.” Even the mention of freaking food made me think about Chase.

“Whatever the hell you call it, I’m sure as hell not eating it.”

“Dad, you’re too much. It’s not bad. Trust me ... you should take Sharon. I bet she’d love it.”

“That rich doctor of yours feeding you that crap?”

I wished he was still mine.

“Dad, I’m just walking in the door. I was out for a run. Mind if I call you later?” I wasn’t in the mood to lie to him a second time tonight, and I couldn’t foresee a way out of a Chase conversation.

“Of course, babydoll, but you better not be running yourself into the ground. You get any thinner and you’ll be skin and bones.”

“I’m not, Dad, promise.”

“All right. I love ya, babydoll. You be safe.”

“Always, Dad. I love you too. Tell Sharon I said hi.”

“Will do.”

“And Dad ... thanks for letting me know ... it helps.”

There was that same pause. I hated the silence, picturing my dad on the other end trying to not crack and be my rock.

“Just make sure you explain the difference between the NHL and minor leagues to that boyfriend of yours before I see you guys next.”

“You got it, Dad.”

What else was I going to say…

With the shower quickly approaching and Dodd away on business, Sierra and I bonded over take-out and shower plans most nights. After the upcoming baby shower weekend I decided I was going to call Chase. Sierra was not on board and made it clear, and I quote, “That fucker should be banging down your door, no way he’ll go that long without your...” I definitely cringed and turned beet red. That girl literally killed me sometimes.

U better be in something cute!

It was a couple minutes before five on Thursday night. We were starting off the shower weekend with a bang at girls’ night out.

If not u better get ur ass home and change

C u at 6!

Sierra tried all week to pull me from my slump. Only one person had that power. I admired my designer black and white Chevron print three quarter sleeved shift dress. He picked this one out for me. Told me it made my legs go on forever, especially when I wore my heels. Once again I was brought back to a happy memory with Chase. But as hard as Sierra worked at monopolizing my time, she couldn’t stop my internal battle. I skirted the edge of either sinking into a deep dark depression or screaming and yelling and throwing things. For my immediate sanity, I hovered right in the middle, asking myself the same question every day. Why the hell was he doing this to us?