FRANK

Go on him. Jesus.

He clicks madly and his screen explodes in graphics.

MUM

(alertly)

What was that? Which one’s you?

LINUS

Initiate. Initiate.

AUDREY

Stay in the trees. Nooo! Ollie, you noob.

Ollie is desperately clicking, his face red.

OLLIE

Sorry.

Mum’s head is swivelling wildly from screen to screen.

MUM

Are you dead? What happens when you die? How can you keep up?

FRANK

Fireblast the fucker. Die! Die!

MUM

(shocked)

Frank!

A series of Russian swearing comes from the audio Skype link.

FRANK

Na kaleni, cyka.

MUM

What does that mean? Is that in the game?

LINUS

It’s Russian. You don’t want to know what it means.

MUM

So is that chap a Russian? Or is that you, Frank?

She points at the screen.

MUM

I mean, they all look the same to me. Do they look the same to you, Chris?

The camera (held by Dad) focuses in on a screen.

DAD (VOICE-OVER)

Of course they’re not the same. Die! Die!




We didn’t win. Not only did we not win, we were stomped.

I think Mum was genuinely shocked. I think she’d mentally checked us in for the finals in Toronto and the six-million-dollar prize pot, with her lording it over all the other parents.

‘So, how did they beat you?’ she said in astonishment when we’d finally got it through to her.

‘They played better,’ said Frank despondently. ‘They were really good.’

‘Well, you’re really good too,’ says Mum at once. ‘You killed loads of people. I mean, you have great technique, Frank. Doesn’t he, Chris? Very good technique.’

You have to love Mum. She’s now behaving as though the only thing she rates in life is LOC.

‘Anyone want the last Krispy Kreme?’ she says, and we all shake our heads. It’s a pretty sad atmosphere in here, what with the silent computers and the Coke cans and the air of defeat, and I think Mum realizes this.

‘Well, anyway!’ she says brightly. ‘We’ll go out for a team lunch to celebrate the taking part. Pizza Express, everyone?’

‘Cool.’ Frank takes off his headset and switches off his laptop. ‘And then I might go into the Fox and Hounds,’ he says casually. ‘Ade said I could help in the kitchen or whatever at weekends. I need to talk to the head chef. I’ll give Ade a ring now, sort it out.’

‘Oh.’ Mum looks a bit flummoxed. ‘Well . . . OK, Frank. Good idea!’ As he lopes out of the room, she turns to Dad, her jaw sagging. ‘Did I hear that right? Is Frank getting himself a job?’

But Dad can’t hear. He’s put on one of the headsets and is logged into another LOC game with Ollie.

‘Dad, can you play?’ I say in surprise.

‘Oh, I’ve picked up a bit,’ he says, and clicks furiously. ‘Here and there.’

‘But who are you playing with?’

‘A couple of friends from school,’ says Ollie, who is equally engrossed. ‘They were online, so . . . Go on him!’

‘I’m on it,’ says Dad breathlessly. ‘Oh, shit. Sorry.’

Mum is staring at Dad, flabbergasted. ‘Chris, what are you doing?’ She pokes his shoulder. ‘Chris! I’m talking to you! Did you hear what I said about Frank?’

‘Right.’ Dad pulls off the headset for a moment. ‘Yes. I heard. Ground him.’

I can’t help giggling, and even Mum gives a little smile.

‘Get back to the game, you big kid,’ she says. ‘But we’re going out in half an hour, OK? Half an hour. And I don’t care if you have to interrupt the game.’

‘OK,’ says Dad, sounding just like Frank. ‘Great. Yeah. Can’t wait.’ He clicks madly, then punches the air as the screen explodes in colour. ‘Die, you bastard! Die!’


MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY – FILM TRANSCRIPT

INT. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY

The camera wobbles as someone stabilizes it on a high surface. As this person backs away we see that it is AUDREY, in her bedroom. She hesitates, then peers into the camera.

AUDREY

So, this is me. Audrey. You haven’t met me yet. I’m probably not what you expected. Like, my hair’s probably darker or lighter or whatever . . . Anyway. Hello. Nice to meet you.

She pulls up a chair and looks into the camera for a while, as though sorting out her own thoughts.

AUDREY

I’ve been thinking a lot about everything. And I guess Mum was right about the jagged-graphs thing. We’re all on one. Even Frank. Even Mum. Even Felix. I think what I’ve realized is, life is all about climbing up, slipping down, and picking yourself up again. And it doesn’t matter if you slip down. As long as you’re kind of heading more or less upwards. That’s all you can hope for. More or less upwards.

There’s another silence. Then she looks up with a sunny smile.

AUDREY

Anyway. I can’t stay. I have an important engagement with . . .

She reaches down and produces a large flat case made of chrome.

AUDREY

This! Mum bought it for me. It’s eye make-up. Look.

She opens the palette and starts displaying it proudly.

AUDREY

This is mascara, and this is . . . primer or whatever . . .

She makes a face as she surveys the tube.

AUDREY

I have no idea what to do with that. But Mum’s going to show me. I mean, it’s only lunch at Pizza Express, but Linus is coming so it’s kind of a date, right?

Another pause.

AUDREY

I think Mum’s really pleased I’ve got my eyes back. She said they were the first thing she looked at when I was born. My eyes. They’re me. They’re who I am.

Audrey plays around with the lid of the palette for a few seconds, then closes it and addresses the camera.

AUDREY

Anyway. This has been fun, making this film. I mean, not always fun, but mostly. You know. So. Thanks for watching, whoever you are.

A pause – then she gives the most dazzling, radiant smile.

AUDREY

So I guess that’s it. I’ll turn off now.

As she comes close to turn off the camera, Audrey’s blue eyes loom large, filling the screen. She blinks a couple of times, then winks at the camera.

AUDREY

See you.

About the Author

Sophie Kinsella raced into the UK bestseller lists in September 2000 with her first novel, The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic. The book’s heroine, Becky Bloomwood, captured the hearts of readers worldwide and became the star of the hit movie Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Sophie wrote her first novel under her real name, Madeleine Wickham, aged 24, while working as a journalist. It became a top ten bestseller and she went on to publish six more novels as Madeleine Wickham. She submitted her first ‘Sophie Kinsella’ novel anonymously to her existing publishers and it was snapped up without her editors knowing that she was already one of their authors. It wasn’t until later, when the appropriately titled Can You Keep a Secret? was published, that Sophie revealed her true identity to the public for the first time.


ALSO BY SOPHIE KINSELLA