Mavis Applewater - Finding My Way

“No.” I argued. “I’ve told him repetitively that it is over. I’m going to tell him everything Allison. Just not right now.”

“Don’t.” Allison snapped as she pulled away from me. “Are you ashamed of me?”

“No.” I answered firmly and without hesitation.

“Are you ashamed of being gay?” Allison asked carefully.

“No.” I responded again with the same firmness. “I’ve tried to tell him but he is just so hurt right now. I don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have.”

“Tell him.” Allison ordered me sternly.

“On Christmas Eve?” I gasped in horror. I wasn’t sure what had stunned me more that she had told me to do it now or that she had out and out ordered me to do it.

“Tell him.” Allison repeated. “Trust me in the long run you will be doing him a favor.”

“Allison let me handle this.” I fought back. “I am going to tell him in my own way. But it won’t be today.” I will never forget the look on her face. It was if I had slapped her. I couldn’t bare to see her hurt this way. I had to turn away from her. I opened the door to find Peter standing on the other side. “Hey.” He said with a goofy grin. “I was just about to knock. I had a feeling that you would be up here. I think it’s really nice that you have a neighbor you can be buddies with.” I grabbed him by the arm harshly and led him back down the staircase. This was all going very badly. I knew what Allison was thinking and why she had snapped at me. It must have seemed like a bad flashback. Right now the woman I love was upstairs in a panic and her next course of action would be to run. I had to deal with Peter quickly and then go back upstairs and reassure my lover that I was not like the others.

When Peter and I reached the bottom of the staircase I spun him around. “Peter, what are you doing here?” I demanded harshly.

“Stephanie.” He said gently. “Oh please just wish me a merry Christmas and go!” My mind pleaded helplessly. “I want us to stop playing games.” He continued. “Oh no.” I felt the bile rising in my throat. “When we first split up you led me to believe that there was someone else. But it is pretty obvious that isn’t the truth. Look I understand we met in college and I can understand that you needed time apart.”

“Oh my God Allison was right!” As the words screamed through my mind I watched in horror as he got down on one knee. “I was planning on doing this in private.” He laughed nervously and looked up at the staircase. “But here goes.” I followed his eyes and was horrified to see her standing there. Her face was ashen as she leaned up against the wall for support. Her eyes seemed to be begging me to stop him and tell him the truth.

“Stephanie.” Peter called for my attention. I turned and met his gaze. There he was kneeling on the floor with a jewelry box opened to reveal a diamond ring. “Marry me.” Was all he said.

I burst into tears. This was horrible. “Darling says yes.” He pleaded as I wept. “Allison help me out here.” He implored her. I turned to her fearfully. She just turned away and walked back upstairs slamming her apartment door behind her. “Stephanie?” Peter called to me once again.

“Peter get up.” I pleaded as I wiped the tears from my eyes and then took his hand gently as he stood beside me. I seated him on the staircase. “Peter.” I began slowly. “I’m sorry but the answer is no.” His smile quickly vanished as he put the ring back inside his coat pocket. “I’m sorry.” I repeated. “I love you. I do you know that.” I said as I looked into his wounded eyes. “But I’m not in love with you.” He slowly rose to his feet.

“I feel like a fool.” He whispered.

I stood behind him and placed my hands on his shoulders. “Peter there is something I need to tell you.” I said trying to calm myself. “I didn’t fully understand my feelings for you until I came to understand myself. Peter I’m a lesbian.” His body tensed as I spoke these words.

“What!” He shouted as he turned to me in anger. “How can you say that?”

“Because it’s true.” I answered calmly. I had hoped that my calmness would quiet him down. I was mistaken.

“You can’t be gay!” He shouted again as his face reddened.

With his last out burst Hal appeared wearing a formal evening gown. “Is everything all right out here?” Hal asked me with concern.

“What is it with this place?” Peter shouted. “I everyone who lives here a homo or what?”

I recoiled at the hateful words. I had never expected him to react this way. Hal on the other hand was not offend he was accustomed to this misconception. “I am not a homosexual.” Hal responded confidently.

“Listen Pal!” Peter spun around in a hostile manner. “First of all this is none of your business and second of all you might be a little more convincing if you weren’t wearing a dress.”

Hal just sighed. “Young man.” He explained dryly. “I am a transvestite not a drag queen.”

“Who gives a …” Peter snarled.

“Peter!” I cut in quickly. “Just calm down. Hal I can handle this.”

“I am calm.” Peter snapped.

“I’m not convinced.” A calm and familiar voice said from behind us. We turned quickly to find Althea standing there in her uniform. “I would be more convinced if you stepped back about two feet.” Althea spoke with a calm yet authoritative voice. Peter just stared at her blankly. “Hal why don’t you go back inside.” Althea instructed the physics professor who obeyed and returned to his apartment. “Now.” She returned her attention towards Peter. “Why don’t you step back sir.” Peter failed to comply with her request. He just stood there glaring at me. “Stephanie what is your friend’s name?” She asked me in a mild tone without taking her eyes off of him.

“Peter.” I responded nervously.

“Peter?” Althea said calmly. “Do me a favor and look at your hands.”

As he cast a glance down we were both shocked to see his hands clenched into fists. He dropped his hands suddenly and backed up against the wall. “Good.” Althea said in a soothing tone. Peter just stood there shaking.

“I wouldn’t hurt her.” His voice trembled.

“I know.” Althea continued to sooth him. “But you know someone who would?” It wasn’t a question somehow she just seemed to know. “You’re not him Peter.” She offered calmly.

“No I’m not.” Peter choked.

Althea stood with him as he calmed himself and caught his breath. I knew that the sight of his hands clenched in anger had frightened him and I knew why. It was his father. The man beat him and his mother on a daily basis. They finally ran off one night while he was at work. Peter and his mother lived in a shelter for over a month. He swore that he would never be like him. He would be like his stepfather who was a kind and decent man. The guilt I felt over this situation made me sick.

Althea talked with him for a while and when she was finally convinced that he would be all right she agreed to leave us. “Oh and just for the record Hal may enjoy wearing women’s clothing but the guy would have kicked your ass son.” She then touched me gently on the shoulder. “Will you be all right?” She questioned me with concern. I simply nodded my head in response. “God I hate the holidays.” She muttered as she made her departure.

We stood there in silence for a few moments. “Is it true?” Peter finally asked in a defeated tone.

“Yes.” I answered quietly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked. “All of these months I had convinced myself that maybe there was still a chance for us. You should have told me. I would have been hurt but at least I would have known the truth. All of this time I just thought you had lied about there being another guy. I guess in a way you did lie.”

“No letting you believe it was the lie.” I choked. “I just didn’t want to hurt you anymore than I already had.”

“Now that is a lie.” Peter said calmly. “You did it because you didn’t want me mad at you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked in confusion.

“I mean that you are afraid of losing the people in your life.” Peter sighed dejectedly. “You will do anything to keep people from getting mad at you. You weren’t protecting me you were protecting yourself.” I felt a stab of truth in his words. “When did you?”

“I’ve had these feeling since I was a teenager.” I confessed. “I just fought them and pretended that they weren’t real. Until I met Allison.”

“Allison?” He said absently.

“Peter.” I began slowly. It was time to tell him everything. “Allison and I are lovers.”

“When?” He asked suspiciously.

“Thanksgiving.” I answered honestly.

His voice dropped. “Jesus Stephanie.” His voice was strained. “How can you be so cruel? Letting her watch as I was proposing? Well that explains why she drove off.”

“What!” I said quickly as I raced out onto the porch. It was true her car was gone. “What have I done?” Peter joined me out on the porch. I turned to him. He put his hand up and stopped me. “I don’t want to talk to you.” He said firmly and the walked off without looking back.

After I raced upstairs I discovered that Allison was indeed gone. She left without a word or a note. I paced back and forth trying wringing my hands wondering what I should do? I had nowhere to go my apartment was empty since Allison’s replacement agreed to sublet it. I assumed that Allison went to her parents. I hoped that is what she did I was fearful of the thought of her just driving around with the idiots who were out there celebrating the holiday and possibly drinking and driving. I could call her parents but if she wasn’t there I did not want to worry them. I needed to talk to her to see her. I needed to make things right between us. The most important person in my life just walked away and I had been the cause.