“It is not ok Evie. I am so sorry. I was stupid. I shouldn’t have gone away with her… I. shouldn’t have hit you”.

“I wasn’t exactly fulfilling my duties as your partner. I am sorry too Henry”.

“I know, I know, baby”. “Please don’t leave me” he sobbed harder pushing his face in to my lap.

“I won’t leave you Henry”. I pushed my hands through his hair. “I am tired though. I would like to get some sleep”.

“Of course”. Henry stood. His eyes focusing on my purple toned jaw. He leant down and kissed with such tenderness the area in which he damaged. I flinched. I couldn’t comprehend how he could have been so angry and then repent his actions so swiftly. For the first time in my life I understood some of the reasoning behind my mother’s decisions.

* * *

The room was perfumed with a vulgar mix of perspiration and whisky. He looked directly at me. Nothing but pure evil filled his gun metal grey eyes. They sank into me. Bore a hole through me. His irises were full of excitement. Raven black. His manipulating smile. The sound of his hoarse voice.

“Just a bit too late” he sneered at me. He raises the slick black revolver and placed it against his temple. His smile never left his mouth. He was enjoying every minute of this.

“Told her I would get her”. My stomach lurched into my mouth, I was hyperventilating.

BANG. The bullet penetrated his skull. Claret blood splattered against the pastel floral wall paper. His body slumped into a heap in front of me. The last face he saw was mine. He had what he wanted. The pleasure of seeing my face knowing what he had done.

Knowing there was nothing I could do to save her. Her hand, her tiny porcelain hand was in clear view of the doorway to the back of the house. So fragile, so still. No, please no, wake up. Wake up. She was too still. Too pale.

Sweat poured down my face onto my chest. I was panting into the darkness. Looking for an indication that this was not real. I reached for the lamp and glanced around my bedroom. A dream.

I longed for Connor to hold me, to protect me. I was following my mother’s course.

* * *

“Morning”, he smiled at me. Testing my reaction to him. “I brought your breakfast in bed.”

I glanced down at the slightly charred toast and glass of orange juice. Henry was notoriously lacking in the kitchen. But his effort was there. That meant something.

“Thanks”

“I have to go into the office today but I will be back for six.”

“Okay.”

“I am sorry Evie, I will never touch you again. I promise. I will be the husband you need, you deserve”, he paused “please don’t leave me”. A sob erupted from his voice.

“It’s ok Henry. I told you I won’t leave you”. Guilt consumed me.

He kissed my lips tenderly, “thank you, I am so sorry darling, so sorry.”

“Let’s forget about it, you should get going to the office”.

“Okay darling. Bye, see you tonight. Don’t cook. I will order in”.

I took a bite of the toast. It tasted foul. Taking a mouthful of orange juice to try and dislodge the taste of ash from my mouth. My stomach heaved.

I ran to the bathroom and caught the basin just in time. My body had removed the unwanted mix of toast and orange juice leaving me feeling irrationally weak. I ran the water of the faucet to refresh myself, hurdling mouthfuls of the crisp cool water into my mouth, wanting to remove the vile taste of bile from my throat. Catching a glimpse of my reflection in the overhead mirror. I carefully looked over my lacerated face. Purple bruising surrounded it in blotches. It was hideous. There was no way to hide it. The pain that emanated from it was intense. I needed pain relief now.

I pulled open the medicine draw to grab the Naproxen a deep feeling of sickness came over me. Right there in front of me rested my unopened pill packet. The packet that I should have started yesterday. That couldn’t be right. Surely? I would have remembered to take the new packet if I had had my period. I ran to the living and emptied the contents of my handbag onto the floor desperately rummaging for my diary. There it was, in black and white. I was late. Shit

* * *

I sat in our bathroom staring at the thin white plastic test which I knew was about to change my life forever. Perhaps not knowing the definitive answer would be better. Perhaps it was the alcohol and stress that had caused the sickness and missed period. That’s probably it. I will do the test and it will be fine. I replaced the lid on the test end and began the two minute wait that was set to define the rest of my life. Somewhere sub-consciously I knew this. I knew I held a life inside of me. Instinct.

Those two minutes were the longest I have ever had to endure. I was shaking so hard that I dropped the test onto the floor. Picking it up, fear consumed me.

No…No… It can’t. Instinct had not prepared me for the reality, the reality of bringing new life into a relationship so tainted. I grabbed it taking a closer look. Two lines, two little blue lines. I reached for the outer packaging to confirm the results. To confirm that I had read it wrong and I was in fact looking at a pee stick telling me I was not pregnant. No matter how much I kept looking into oblivion and referred back to the instructions there was no denying it. It was positive. I am pregnant. Dates. Dates, all jumbled in to one. I had sex with Connor whilst I was pregnant. How could I be so incompetent. Carrying Henry’s child.

I slumped to the floor. My life felt surreal, it felt like I was having an outer body experience, watching another woman seem so positively depressed at her life that she could not enjoy the news of the new life inside of her. I wanted to scream at the woman sitting there looking so lost and confused. Tell her to leave and run a million miles away. That was all a fantasy, reality wouldn’t let her.

This couldn’t possibly be happening to me? Me, a mother? The feeling was so bittersweet. I had not expected to feel so scared and in denial about carrying our first baby. This was meant to be a time of joy, a momentous realisation that we were bringing a life into this world together as a happy couple. Yet here I was sitting on the bath room floor clutching a stick cover in pee and I was petrified. Scared of Henry, scared of carrying a child. Scared of being married.

* * *

“Hey Baby, I’m home. I brought Indian with me. Is that ok?”

I walked through to the hallway and took the brown paper bags from him. The scent of ginger and chilli was mouth wateringly good.

“Of course, smells amazing. I will just go and dish it up and bring it through to the lounge”. I pecked him on his cheek. Henry smiled sweetly at me and it helped me remember the warmth we can share together. The possibilities.

I brought through two plates piled high with food, it looked delicious. I suppose this was an upside to pregnancy. Indulging in more good food without Vivienne complaining about my weight for once. Silver lining?

Perhaps this would be the moment that Henry and I could focus on, and move forward together, forgetting the past. Forgetting the mixed palette of purple which swept across my lower jaw. This could be the catalyst that Henry needs, that I need.

“How was work today?” Hoping that his response would be civil. Henry did not usually discuss work. He would inform me of factual information and statistics, anything that anyone else on the company was already aware of. If he was frustrated or tense he would sit within the confines of his home office. Now I understood why, he confided in her, he talked to her. Not me. Not his future wife. The emotional betrayal seemed to be more poignant that the physical.

Henry must have noticed the saddened look which crept across my face as his hand gently rested on my thigh. I looked up to see his face soften.

“She doesn’t work for me, you don’t have to worry, I have ended it with her Evie. I promised that I would and I have.”

“It’s not just that Henry, but you never really discuss you work at home. I know I don’t work with you but sometimes I feel like an outsider in my relationship with you. I would love to know when you have had a good day, or a bad one too”, I sighed as a lone tear escaped from my eye. “I just want to feel like I am a part of your world.” I flinched as his hand rose to wipe away my tear. I couldn’t help it, it was an automatic reaction. Henry’s hand paused.

“I’m not going to hurt you”. His thumb connected with my cheek as he gently wiped my tear away. “Okay Evie, I will try and tell you more about work, it’s not that I don’t want to discuss it with you, but when I have been in the office all day the last thing I want to do it talk about the same things I have spoken about all day. But, as you would like to know, I had a good day at work today.” I am not sure what I expected, he had taken my words literally, and every day I would be told if he had a good day or a bad day. Perhaps once we are married he will see me more as his wife and confide in me more.

I took a bite of my Tikka Masala, it was delicious and aromatic. I couldn’t get the next forkful into my mouth soon enough. Before I had realised it, I had consumed the majority of my plate and Henry was gawking at me like I was something out of the Rocky Horror show.

“Hungry?” looking at me amused.

“Ah, yes, sorry. I just… I… “I paused momentarily gathering enough courage to tell him. “Henry..”

“Yes darling”

I found myself nervously fidgeting. My eyes burning into my hands; I couldn’t bring myself to look at him as I let the next few words leave my lips.