Lucy Gordon - His Pretend Wife

As darkness fell the night shift began to appear. The nurse in charge swept her eyes over the patients, and frowned at the sight of Elinor, sitting in a chair, her suitcases hidden unconvincingly under the bed. Elinor’s nervousness grew. Nurse Stewart was a well-meaning woman, and not deliberately unkind. But her mind was rigid. To her there was only one ‘right’ way of doing things, and that was the way prescribed by the rules. She was also a busybody, happiest when imposing her views on others.

‘Mrs Landers,’ she said, ‘a moment, if you please.’

She swept on to her desk, and Elinor followed her reluctantly.

‘Visiting time is over, you know,’ Nurse Stewart said. ‘I really must ask you to leave.’

‘But I can’t,’ Elinor said desperately. ‘I’ve nowhere to go. The place I lived burned down today. I’ve only just heard.’

‘Is that why you have your suitcases with you?’

‘Yes. Someone rescued my things.’

‘I see. Well, that’s very unfortunate, of course,’ the nurse said in the tone she would have used to describe a shortfall of bandages, ‘but this is not a hotel. There are no provisions in the rules for overnight accommodation.’

‘But I was allowed to stay just after the operation.’

‘Ah, yes, when your little girl was in danger, and in the intensive care unit, but she’s on a general ward now, and the danger is long over. In fact, I believe she’s due to be discharged tomorrow.’

‘But where?’ Elinor said desperately. ‘I’ve nowhere to take her now.’

‘You’d better start looking for somewhere else first thing.’

Somewhere else meant a place that would demand a deposit, and the money she’d made recently wouldn’t run to that. Elinor’s despair must have shown in her eyes for the nurse, with a plain attempt to be helpful, said, ‘I’m sure the social services will help you. There are homes for children with special needs. I’ll find you the number.’

‘No,’ Elinor choked. ‘I don’t want anyone taking her over. I want her with me.’

‘But I’m sure you realise that Hetta’s best interests must come first.’

‘Her best interests mean a proper home with her mother.’

‘But you don’t have one, do you?’ Nurse Stewart said, smiling blandly.

To Elinor that smile was horrible. It was the face of the pitiless world that had done its best to crush her, and would keep trying until her strength was exhausted. She felt some frightening, uncontrollable feeling rising in her. If it reached the surface it would emerge as screams, she knew it.

Turning, she ran out of the ward, along the corridor and down the stairs until she reached the ground, then out into the hospital garden. Terror and panic were mounting in her as she ran and ran, until at last she collided with a tree and stayed just as she was, clutching the trunk and giving way to her grief.

She’d fought and fought, and given it everything she had. But it wasn’t enough, and suddenly she had no more strength to fight.

ELINOR had held onto her control through everything, refusing to let herself weep no matter how bad things had become. But now it all caught up with her like a wave that had been growing from a great distance until it crashed over her without mercy, leaving her shaking and helpless in the grip of sobs.

‘No!’ she screamed. ‘Not any more, please. There has to be an end somewhere. No more-no-please-’

‘Is something wrong?’ asked a man’s voice behind her.

‘Go away,’ she cried passionately. ‘Yes, something’s wrong. Everything’s wrong and there’s nobody to help. Go away!’

She heard a step, as though someone had moved closer, and Andrew said, ‘There is someone to help.’

She swung around, tears pouring down her face. She was beyond speech, beyond dismay that he’d found her like this, beyond hope or fear. She could do nothing but lean against the tree in helpless, shuddering despair.

‘I don’t know what to do,’ she said huskily. ‘There’s always one more thing and I’m falling apart. I mustn’t-for Hetta’s sake-but I am, I am, and there’s nowhere to go-oh, God!-’

She wept freely, not even trying to cover her face. Her strength had collapsed all in a moment and there was nothing left.

Andrew took hold of her shoulders gently. ‘Has something happened to Hetta?’ he asked. ‘Do you want me to go to her?’

‘No, she’s fine,’ Elinor choked.

‘If she’s fine, everything’s fine. Ellie, do you hear that? If Hetta is safe and well, nothing else matters. Cling to it. Any other problem can be solved.’

But she could barely hear him. Anguish shook her, wrung her out, drained her. He was so close to her that she could feel his breath, and put up her hands as if to fend him off, shaking her head from side to side.

‘No,’ she gasped, ‘no, it’s no use-don’t you understand? Nothing’s any use because as fast as you cope with one thing-there’s always something else-it’s like-there’s someone up there who’s going to throw one thing after another into my path until I give in-and-and-’

‘OK, OK,’ he said. ‘You’re having hysterics, and it’s no wonder after what you’ve been through, but it’s going to be fine-’

‘What do you know?’ she demanded, not screaming but speaking in a low, hoarse whisper. ‘There’s nothing you or anyone can do about this. They’re going to take her away from me and I can’t stop them.’

All her control had gone and grief poured out of her in ugly hee-hawing sobs. Andrew wasted no more time in talking but put his arms about her and pulled her hard against his chest.

‘All right,’ he murmured. ‘Let it come. You’ve fought it long enough, don’t try any more.’

‘I can’t cope with anything else,’ she sobbed.

‘There’s no need to. You’re not alone.’

‘Yes, I am, I’ve always been alone. Oh, you don’t have to tell me it’s my own fault-’

‘I wasn’t going to-’

‘I know it, and I can survive if it’s just me, but it’s not fair on Hetta, she’s never had any kind of life-’

‘But she’s going to have a great life now,’ he said, trying to be heard through her torrent of words.

‘She should have had a better mother, someone who knew what to do and didn’t go blundering through life making mistakes and getting it all wrong, and, oh, God! Oh, God!’

He gave up trying to get through to her and held her tightly while the storm raged. When he finally felt her calm down a little he put his hands either side of her face.

‘Listen to me,’ he said severely. ‘Whatever it is, something can be done, yes, it can,’ he added quickly as she tried to speak. ‘This is just nerves because you’ve been through so much and it’s all caught up with you in one go. But it’s not like you to give in.’

‘You don’t know what’s like me,’ she whispered.

‘I know you always had a lot of courage.’

‘Not really. Way back then-I was all talk. I didn’t know what life was about.’

‘And you think you know now?’

‘It’s about betrayal,’ she said quietly, ‘and fighting, and things always turning out wrong, and knowing it was your own fault because you’re stupid.’

‘You’re not stupid. Don’t talk about yourself like that. Now tell me what brought this on. Why should Hetta be taken away from you?’

‘Because I’ve nowhere for us to live. The guest house where we’ve been staying burned down today and she’s due out of here tomorrow.’

‘Then we’ll find somewhere else for you to go.’

‘How can I? I’ve no money and Nurse Stewart wants to bring in social services, and they’ll take her away from me-’

‘Of course they won’t,’ he said firmly. ‘They’re not ogres. They know Hetta needs her mother. As for Stewart, what on earth made you confide in that stupid woman?’

‘I couldn’t help it. She found me-I’m not supposed to be here at night-’

‘But you’ve nowhere else. Right. Leave her to me.’

He relaxed his grip, giving her space to draw back and see his face. In the dark it was hard to make out details, but she could see that it was hard and set, and radiated confidence. Even so, ‘You won’t make Nurse Stewart back down,’ she said.

He raised his eyebrows. ‘I’m commonly held to have a little authority around here. Even over her. Come on.’

He took her elbow and led her back through the trees. As they approached the lights of the building he released her and said firmly, ‘Keep quiet and leave everything to me.’

‘All right.’ Her fear had gone. The total confidence and authority of this man was beyond question. He could do anything.

His manner as he entered the ward was impeccably formal, and Nurse Stewart hurried forward, eyeing Elinor suspiciously.

‘A very serious problem has developed,’ she hurried to say. ‘Hetta Landers is suddenly homeless, and I really feel it’s my duty to-’

‘To inform me,’ Andrew interrupted her smoothly. ‘You were quite right, but Mrs Landers has already consulted me, and I have the problem in hand.’

‘I’m sure you agree that it’s a matter for the proper authorities. A vulnerable child must not be-’

‘Must not be parted from her mother,’ Andrew interrupted again, and this time in a manner that made it plain he was taking charge of the conversation. ‘I have a good friend who’s highly placed in the social services. I’ve already contacted him, and there’s no need for you to take any action.’

Nurse Stewart’s mouth tightened, and Elinor guessed that to be told to do nothing was ashes to her.

‘Of course, if you have the matter in hand…’ she said reluctantly. ‘May I know the name of this friend?’

There was a silence, during which Andrew’s face assumed the frozen, stony look that his staff dreaded. Elinor thought she would die if he ever turned that look on her. And then she remembered the night that he had.