Jessica Sankiewicz - If Only We

* * *

“Have you got any stories from work to tell?” I ask Lyndsay and Ben. I take a sip out of my glass of pop. The pizza place is busy tonight, which is not surprising since it's a Saturday night. Luckily, we got there early enough to get a booth before they were all taken.

They share a knowing glance. Ben says, “Oh yeah.”

“Do tell.” I gesture and take the last bite of my third slice of pizza.

“A five-year-old kid ran through the whole store up and down the aisles. Then he proceeded to grab a candy bar and run out the door.”

“Oh man,” Chevy says. “Did he get away?”

“No, one of the gals saw him bolt and chased him down. Apparently, he was with his mom at the Laundromat next door. She gave him a dollar to get a candy bar from the machine but when she turned her back, he left and came to our store. She apologized profusely and gave us the dollar.” He chuckles. “I think the kid was just bored out of his mind having to sit around for a long time. I always hated those times when the washer broke and we had to go there.”

Chevy says, “I doubt you’d have run through a grocery store to take care of the boredom.”

“I might have.” When we all laugh, he adds, “Come on, I had a short attention span back then.”

“So did I,” Chevy says. Ben gives him a high five.

Lyndsay and I give each other a look. “I think it’s a boy thing,” I whisper.

She nods. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

Ben shakes his head. “No, it’s…” Then he shrugs. “Maybe it is sort of a boy thing. It’s kind of hard for me to know if it’s a girl thing.” He points to the last piece of pizza. “Anyone want this or is it mine?”

“You can have it,” I say with a sigh. “I’m full.”

Chevy waves it off too. “All yours, buddy.” He didn't eat much tonight. He has been thinking about his dad a lot lately and I know he is worried. I am a little more worried about Chevy at the moment. There has to be something I can do to cheer him up. Wait a minute. It’s Saturday night. At the coffee-house, it's karaoke night.

I'm going to sing for him.

As Ben finishes the last slice, I speak up, “So, where are we going next?”

“I haven’t a clue, darling,” Lyndsay says as she shuffles through her purse. “You have something in mind?”

“Maybe,” I say with a sly grin.

Chevy looks at me curiously. “What is it?”

“I'm thinking…it’s time for me to make good on a certain karaoke promise I made awhile back.”

When I wink at Chevy, he gets a big grin on his face. “Really?”

“Would I joke around about something so important to you?” I ask, tilting my head.

He smirks. “Okay then. Let’s go.”

* * *

As we walk up to The Caffeine Café, there is a flutter in my stomach that reminds me of the last time I sang alone. I shiver. Chevy notices and asks, “Are you cold?”

I shake my head. “No, I’m fine.”

He looks at me in a way that feels like he wants to ask something else, but he doesn’t.

Once we get inside, it becomes apparent that tonight is not karaoke night. A band is up on the stage playing a bluesy song. A wave of relief washes over me, along with a twinge of guilt. I did make a promise, after all. I turn to Chevy. “I don’t think you’ll be getting your song tonight.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so either,” he says with a frown.

“Do you want to go or should we stay?”

“We can stay for a little bit. I like jazz and these guys sound pretty good.”

Lyndsay says, “Well, I’m going to get myself an iced coffee. Anyone else want something?” We both shake our heads. “Okay, come on Ben.”

While they go to the counter, Chevy and I walk over to an empty table and sit down. The song ends and everyone claps. When the next one starts, it's a slow song. A couple stands up and goes to the open area in front of the stage to dance. Chevy leans over to me with a hand out. “Want to dance?”

I smile. “I suppose it is the next best thing to singing.”

“Agreed.” He takes my hand and leads me to the dance floor. With his arms around me as we sway to the mellow jazz, I can’t help but wish this moment would never end. Somehow, it does seem to go on for a long time. Maybe it's because I am trying so hard to imprint it on my memory so that it never fades away. Maybe it's because it does go on for a while.

Maybe it's because I'm falling hard for this boy.

Mom calls me downstairs sometime in the middle of the afternoon the next day. Her voice carries a cheery tone that makes me think it has something to do with nursing.

I am partially right.

She left to get some groceries a few hours ago. I noticed it took her a little bit longer than usual but I figured she got to talking with someone she knew. That happens a lot when we go places. What she actually was doing with the extra time was unexpected.

She got me school supplies.

By school supplies, I mean everything I could possibly need for college. Notebooks of all sizes, every possible writing and highlighting utensil, binders and folders…the list could go on forever. I stand there agape and racked with guilt. Here my mom is putting forth all this effort to send her only daughter off to nursing school, the one thing she has been looking forward to even before I existed. And here I am completely going against her wishes by pursuing something that may not get me anywhere in life. I'm not worthy of this kind of treatment.

She says, “I needed to pick up a few things for Kaitlin, so I thought I should kill two birds with one stone. I wasn’t sure what you needed, so I figured I would just get you a little bit of everything. If you don’t need it, we can return it, or I could use it. Or you can even save it for next semester.”

I almost cringe at the word semester. I never signed up for any classes this fall. Whenever Mom would ask about it, I would just tell her I've got it all taken care of. Since my dad had set up a checking account for college, it wasn’t that hard to convince her. She must have come up with the supplies as an afterthought and decided not to ask me since I wasn’t giving her any details anyway.

What was I thinking when I started lying? I can’t let this go on much longer. The first semester starts in one month. I don’t deserve these supplies. I’m not going to use these supplies. I don’t know what my life is going to be after my semester off. I don’t know what is going on with my sewing projects yet. I don’t even know what I want to go to college for when I do start going. And didn’t I say something about working for a few months?

I don’t know what is happening to me, but it's entirely my fault.

My mom is now staring at me. “Adrienne, honey…is everything all right? You haven’t said a word.”

I blink a few times. “Sorry, I'm just in shock. I can’t believe you did all this.”

“I just want to make sure that you were prepared for everything. What do you think? Did I overdo it?” The expression on her face is akin to the pride a parent would have if their child were accepted into Harvard.

Despite the remorse running through my veins, I don’t break down and tell her the truth. I keep seeing her face from the day I first disappointed her. It still haunts me. I don’t know how I am going to tell her. I'm beginning to think I made a mistake by quitting. It is probably just the guilt talking, since the idea of nursing still makes me feel a bit nauseated.

I push a smile through. “No. You didn’t overdo it. Thank you, Mom.”

Kaitlin walks into the kitchen and sees all the supplies all over the counter. Her eyes widen. “Did you buy the whole store?”

Mom chuckles. “No, sweetie. I got some stuff for you and Adrienne for school. Oh!” She holds up a finger and reaches over to pull a book out of one pile. She hands it over to Kaitlin. “I found this as I was browsing through the books today and thought of you.” It's one of those cutesy animal photo books featuring horses.

The way Kaitlin looks at it seems like disbelief. “Oh, thanks,” she says unenthusiastically. She gives my mom a smile and leaves the room.

My mom stands there unsure of how to take Kaitlin’s words. She sighs. “I thought she would like it.”

“She did.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know how to relate to her sometimes.”

“I bet it’s just the fact that it is school supply shopping time again already. It happens earlier and earlier every year.”

“You’re probably right.” I know she is trying to hide it, but I can see the hurt in her eyes. It's hard for me to witness the struggle she faces trying to be the mom figure in Kaitlin’s life, especially since Kaitlin has never really had a mom figure.

I help her put all the supplies out of the way to free up counter space for making dinner and then go upstairs.

I peek into Kaitlin’s room to find her looking at the horse book and I smile. “Hey,” I say. “Is everything okay?”

She jumps at the sound of my voice, and then quickly sets the book aside. “Yeah, everything is fine.”

“Doesn’t sound like everything is fine to me.”

She presses her lips together. “I don’t want to take lessons anymore,” she says quietly.

There it is, the answer to her reaction to the book and one of the moments I have been expecting and wanting to get to the bottom of. Finally. “Oh,” I say, pretending to be surprised. “Why not?”

“I just don’t want to.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“Well, it just seemed like you were really into it the first few weeks. I’m surprised to see you not want to go.” I shrug. “I mean, you love horses, don’t you?”