Jessica Sankiewicz - If Only We

She absentmindedly touches her fingers to the cover of the book. “Yeah, I do love horses.”

“It just doesn’t make any sense why you would quit doing something when you love it.”

She purses her lips and leans her head back against the headboard. “I guess that wouldn’t make any sense.” She sighs. “Fine, I’ll think about it more before I quit.”

I give her a half smile. “That’s good.” I am glad I was able to convince her to keep going, since I know it does make her happy. I know something is wrong though. Something is going on there that is making her unhappy, although I have no idea what it could be. I wish she would just tell me what it is. Maybe I could help her.

If only she would let me.

John has been sober for twenty days, which is a record I hope he will be continuing. Chevy has been spending more time with him after work. Whenever he talks about his father now, I can hear the smile in his voice. Things are improving. They are not perfect by any means, he is still struggling with his addiction, but they are improving. It’s day by day.

As of the end of today’s efforts, I have now stockpiled several items that I have created. I have six purses, six wallets, and six billfolds. Three sets are made with a pink and purple swirling pattern, and the rest are with a blue and brown polka dot pattern. I'm very proud of them and can’t wait to get them in that store.

When I pick Kaitlin up, she is definitely not herself. She doesn’t say much of anything to me. Later on, she tells her dad that Paige isn’t taking riding lessons anymore, so she doesn’t want to. Maurice tells her that it's fine. She's not telling the truth, I can tell. Even though she and I have been getting along so well, I still have some lingering doubts that she will open up if I ask what is going on. Not only that, but who am I to question what the truth is when I can’t own up to it myself?

While I gaze at the ceiling, the ringing of my phone breaks through the reverie. “How am I going to balance everything?” Lyndsay says frantically.

“Huh?”

“How am I going to balance everything?” she repeats. “Sure, I’m going to get a reprieve for the two weeks before school starts. But how about when school starts? How am I going to fit everything in?”

“What’s everything? Don’t you just have school?”

“No. I’m still going to be working at the store.”

“Oh,” I say in surprise. “I thought it was just a summer thing.” I have gotten better at pretending as if I don’t know what is going to happen. Although it sometimes sounds a little fake when I think about it later on in my head.

“That was the original plan but not anymore. I can’t afford to pay for school without some sort of income, Adrienne. Especially after I went to the bookstore and found out I’ll be plunking down three hundred dollars on textbooks.”

Crap. I forgot about textbooks. Mom is going to be asking me about that at some point. She'll probably want to see them too. I could just say I haven’t gotten them yet, but she would freak out since it's so close to school starting. Or maybe…I could just tell her the truth? I rest my free hand on my face in frustration. “I’m sorry, Lynds.”

She sighs and mutters, “Sometimes I wish I could just skip it all and become a nurse’s aide instead.”

Faith wouldn’t care if she did that, but I know Lyndsay would regret it in the long run. “You could do that, but that's taking the easy way out. You and I both know that you aren't one to back down from a challenge.”

“That might be true but between classes, studying, and working, I'm not going to have any free time. When am I going to see you or Ben or my mom?” she whines.

“You’ll see us.”

“No, I won’t!” Her sudden anger causes me to jolt. “I’m going to be too tired to go anywhere because I will be up all night reading and studying and if I would be able to spare a moment you guys will think I’m a party pooper because I’m exhausted and don’t feel like doing anything fun and you won’t want to be around me anyway!”

Whoa. I don't remember her being this upset. “Lyndsay,” I interject before she can continue. “You need to calm down.”

“Calm down? I can’t calm down!” she snaps.

I need to diffuse the bomb. “Yes, you can,” I say in a steady voice. “Just for a second. Take in a few deep breaths. And listen to me.”

She takes in a deep breath, as I asked. “Okay, I’m listening,” she says, clearly aggravated at my request.

“I understand where you’re coming from. I'm not in the same predicament as you but I'm still undecided about my future. That is never a good thing in this career-driven world. We all need to work to pay the bills. For most of us, it requires some sort of education. For some of us, it requires some sort of job to pay for school. But it doesn't mean that we'll have no life outside of it.”

“Why does it feel like it?”

“Because this is all brand new to us. It's overwhelming to think about the future when we don't know what will happen. We imagine the worst things and assume that's how it's going to be.”

“So I'm overreacting?”

“Maybe. Look, this is just the first semester. You've always been smart and capable of handling yourself in stressful situations.”

“I guess so. But what about hanging out with everyone?”

“We'll find a way. We’ve been able to this summer, haven’t we?”

“Yeah, we have,” she concedes with a sigh. “You’re right, Adrienne. I’m just thinking too much.”

“And I thought I was the only one who did that.”

“Yeah, right.” She lets out a nervous chuckle. “Speaking of your future, when are you going to tell her?”

“Soon.”

“Not soon enough.”

“I know. It’s even worse since the supplies.”

“This is why you need to tell her.”

“I will as soon as I establish something. I am going on Saturday to Hidden Treasures. Once I do that, then I can tell her and explain what I’ve been doing in the meantime.” Maybe it will soften the blow. Maybe. It's hard to tell. “Let’s just hope she’ll let me have a spot.”

“I don’t see why she wouldn’t. Especially once she sees your work.”

“I’m glad you believe in me, Lynds.”

“I have no reason why I shouldn’t. I may not think this whole charade is the greatest of ideas given the way your mom feels, but I do believe that you can achieve anything you set your mind to.”

“Same goes for you with classes and work this fall. If you can handle the volunteer job and the store work now, you can handle anything else life throws at you.”

“I hope so.”

On the drive home from Lyndsay’s, I am giddy with excitement for two reasons. I have only one more week of driving over there and tomorrow I'll be pitching my creations to a commission store. The excitement is coupled with a little bit of nerves. This next step means I'm finally heading down the road of something more than just a hobby. It also means I'll have to tell my mom all about it.

Those nerves make me still want to wait.

What if I tell her and my purses don’t sell? What is my next step? I have no backup plan. I have only a little bit more money to spare to create something new. After that, I am up a creek without a paddle.

I push those negative thoughts as far away as I can. No need to worry about it tonight.

When I get home, my mom is in the kitchen preparing dinner. She must have gotten off work early today. “Hi, Mom,” I say as I walk in.

“Hi.” Her reply is short, without a trace of cheerfulness. She is not looking at me, or smiling.

Something is wrong.

I have a bad feeling about this.

I take a deep breath and ask, “How was your day?” Maybe if I pretend everything is all right, it will be.

She lets out a breath. “You know, it was going very well. Then a friend of mine came by around noon to take me out to lunch. Her name is Denise.”

Denise. Where do I know that name? Oh no. The receptionist at the nursing home. I grab hold of the counter to brace myself.

“She and I used to work together,” Mom continues. “It was about ten years ago when I was still working at Sunnyvale. Now she works at River’s Bend. But you already know that, don’t you?” She looks at me for a response.

I press my lips together and nod slowly.

“We got to talking about the good old days and what has been going on in our lives. I started to talk about River’s Bend. I told her I thought it was great that they allowed you and Lyndsay to volunteer over the summer. I mentioned how much you have been enjoying your time there. She asked me what your name was. When I told her, she said you haven't been there. I told her that she had to be mistaken since you haven’t missed a single day.” She taps the spoon on the edge of the pan and I jump. “I decided to call over there because there was no way you haven’t been there all summer. Turns out, I was wrong.”

My whole body stiffens. My throat starts to tighten. My pulse speeds to a dangerously high level.

The secret is out.

It’s over.

“So,” she says curtly as she looks me in the eye, “could you please explain to me why you haven’t been there?”

I swallow the lump in my throat before I speak. “When I went there the first day, I started to panic.”

“Panic? About what?”

“I was…I was having a panic attack. I almost passed out in the hallway. Faith found me before I did and took me to another room. When I thought about what happened, I began to wonder whether maybe it was a sign.”