Kale


“WHOA, DUDE. Slow the fuck down,” Knox tells me after I down my third shot. “What the hell’s gotten into you tonight?”

Jace laughs beside him and just slaps me on the back. “Lexi told me about the doctor’s appointment today. I’m guessing it didn’t go so well?”

I look back and forth between the two of them and almost have to laugh at their opposing facial expressions. Jace is grinning like it’s the best thing in the world, whereas Knox looks like he’s ready to tell that waitress to cut me off. In the background, I see Xavier, but I have to look away because all I see on his face is concern. If anyone understands the turmoil that’s rolling through my mind, it’s him, and the last thing I want to do is talk about it.

The bartender takes that moment to come back around, and under Knox’s watchful eye, I order a beer and water. I’m not trying to get wasted. I just really need to take the fucking edge off. The one I haven’t been able to get rid of since leaving the doctor’s office.

“Women talk too much,” I inform Jace, and he just laughs again.

“Man, I know you’re new to this whole relationship thing, but you might as well get used to that fact. Women always like to accuse us of locker room talk, yet they’re even worse than we are. I don’t know how many times I’ve walked into the room with Lexi on the phone with Charlie and she has to start whispering. And the truth is, I don’t want to know. The things I’ve overheard? Let’s just say I don’t ever plan on riding in Knox’s car ever again.”

“Dude, what?” I ask.

Knox just shrugs and smiles into his beer. “Charlie has a thing for cars. Who am I to deny her when she wants a piece of Evelyn?”

“God dammit, Wellington. I rode in your car yesterday on the way to get lunch!”

“Yeah, and Charlie rode in it the night before.”

Jace just shakes his head.

Knox rolls his eyes. “I know how to wash my damn car, Montgomery. Come on. It’s not like you’ve never had car sex, so get off it.”

I can’t argue with him there, so I just tip my beer to him. “Touché. I’ve got nothin’ there.”

Jace starts coughing at my admission then stands up from his barstool. “Okay, if I stay here any longer, I’ll end up never riding in anyone’s car again, so how ‘bout a game of pool? Any takers?”

Knox rises and agrees to join him. “Don’t be such a prude, McAllister. You’ve got that massive truck. I know it’s gotten some action.”

Jace just grins back at him, and I can barely make out his words as they walk away. “A true gentleman never fucks and tells. Plus, that’s my wife you’re talking about, so shut the hell up before I ram a pool stick up your ass.”

Knox just laughs it off, and I shake my head at them. I can’t believe that it was only a short while ago that they were giving me crap, telling me I was going to be loved up like them. Even though I had feelings for Lucy at the time, I never thought I’d get the chance to act on it, and I tried to deny that love was ever in the cards for me. They told me that I was wrong, and well, hell, they were right.

Xavier moves over to the stool next to me and watches as I pick at the label on my beer. “Wanna talk about it?”

Letting out a deep breath, I turn to look at him. “Would you let me get away with it if I said no?” He looks at me pointedly without saying a word. “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

“Come on, Kale. You were there for me in my darkest times, especially when Lily was a baby. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through those days if you weren’t there to have my back, to have Lily’s back. You’re a part of our family, and you always will be. The same goes for Lucy and your baby now, too, so let me be here for you. Let me have your back for once.”

Shaking my head, I give him a sorrowful look. “You know it wasn’t just one-sided back then, Z. I was going through my own personal hell at the time, and Lily was my saving grace. You think you couldn’t have done it without me? There’s no way in fucking hell I would’ve gotten through those first couple of years without the two of you. Hell, man, we were in boot camp for the same damn reason. That’s part of how we became so close.” I pause, needing a second to regroup before I start bawling like a fucking baby in the middle of the bar as all the memories rise to the surface. “And look at us now, at just how differently our lives have turned out. It’s so fucked up, man, but you have no idea how many times over the years I’ve looked at Lily and wondered what life would be like if she were mine. Not trying to sound like a fucking creep or anything. You’re the best dad that girl could have. It’s just… I love her like she’s my own, but as much as I love her, she’s a reminder of everything I lost. I don’t know. I used to find myself watching her and wondering, you know? What it would’ve been like? How different my life could’ve been?”

Xavier’s eyes watch me as I spill out every single word, and he signals the bartender. “A couple of whiskeys neat,” he orders then looks back at me. “Dude, if we’re going there, I need something stronger than beer, and I have a feeling you do, too.”

I nod in agreement, waiting until I have a fresh drink in front of me. Then I take a sip, enjoying the smooth burn that flows through my chest, making this whole heart-pouring session a little easier.

“It wasn’t until you made me her godfather that things started to finally look up. I threw myself into that role and tried to forget all the pain, all the things I was missing, all because you let me be a part of it with Lily. I’ll never forget that, man. I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done if I hadn’t had that to keep myself occupied. If I hadn’t had someone who was depending on me. I just don’t fucking know.”

“Hey, come on. You know I needed the help just as much. When Angela walked out on us, I was a fucking wreck. Here I was with a four-week-old and I didn’t have a single clue how to raise a baby, let alone a little girl. You stepped right up to the plate and were a fucking natural,” he reminds me. “We were a couple of kids back then, and you could’ve gone off with all the other guys partying on the weekends and living it up. Instead, you had my back, and ever since then, I’ve had yours. So tell me what the hell’s going on. You’ve been wanting to be with Lucy for as long as I remember, and now you are. Why are you sittin’ in this bar, downing shots looking like someone just ripped your heart out of your chest when you should be out celebrating?”

I know he’s right. I should be having a grand old time, happy as can be, and I am. It’s just that life’s messy and the things I thought were long buried have begun to resurface. I’m beginning to feel like I’m drowning with all the unresolved grief that’s threatening to pour out.

“We had the first ultrasound today. When I heard the baby’s heartbeat, it felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and placed it inside this small little blip on the screen. It was so fucking beautiful, man, and took everything in me not to break down right there. I think part of me never thought I’d hear that sound again, and when the thumps hit my ears, it was almost more than I could bear. It was so surreal, and part of me couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was awestruck.” I stop to take a quick drink as I remember the way the sound filled the room. “You remember what that was like. And then it went by way too quickly, and before I knew it, the sound vanished. And that’s when the fear started seeping in. I don’t even know to describe it. My chest got tight and I felt like I could barely breathe. It was just like the nightmares from all those years ago, except instead of Tara, it was Lucy, and for some reason, this time it hurt so much more. I felt desperate as the memories started to flood back in, and while I knew it wasn’t another goddamn dream, I was still terrified as hell. I need to hear that sound again with my own two ears. I need to know it’s not the last time I’m going to hear it. I know it’s fucking crazy, but part of me wants to lock Lucy up until June, just to make sure that she and the baby are safe.”

Stopping to take a long swig of my drink, I’m thankful that I’m able to talk to about this with Xavier. He’s the only person besides my mom and sisters who has any idea about it, and while it’s been forever since it’s been brought up, I need to get this off my chest, no matter how much more it burns than any amount of whiskey ever could.

“I can’t go through that again, Xavier. I don’t know if I could come out on the other side unscathed.”

He shakes his head and looks at me in disbelief, as if it’s the craziest thing anyone’s ever said. “The two situations aren’t even comparable. I don’t know why you’re getting yourself so worked up over it. Things with you and Lucy are good, right?” I nod, and before I can say anything, he continues. “You can sit around and worry about this for the next six to seven months, Kale, but it’s not going to do you or Lucy any good. If you care about her, then you need to trust that she feels the same and that she’s not going to repeat any of the mistakes from your past. That doesn’t mean everything’s going to be easy, but you can’t spend the pregnancy looking over your shoulder or continuously expecting the ball to drop. It’s going to be stressful enough as it is.

“It’s been ten years, man. I’m not saying you’ve got to forget about it or anything, but you need to find a way to deal with your grief or else you’re never going to be able to move on completely. Trust me, I learned the hard way, and I almost fell back into Angela’s trap. If it weren’t for the fact that I have Lily to look out for, I might have. I took a step back and realized that I had to let go of the past or I was never going to be able to move to the future. Sure, I’m not hopping around hoping to find a new mother for Lily any time soon, but I’m more open to it than I was a year ago. If you want this to work with Lucy, you’ve got to work through your shit.”