His words are piercing, and although I know he’s probably right, I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to just let it go when I’ve buried it so deep. Maybe if I’d properly grieved back then, I wouldn’t be dealing with this now, but at the time, there was no way I was in a place to even begin to understand how to start the healing process.

Maybe Xavier’s right. I have a second chance at a family, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s unfair to Lucy—and to Sprout—if I don’t go into this wholeheartedly, and I decide then and there that I owe them more than just part of me. As hard as it’s going to be, I do need to let it all out, to finally grieve once and for all.

“Thanks, man. I know you’re right. It’s just been so long, and I never expected to have it all come up again, you know? I guess I thought I’d locked it away, but I tell you, when I saw him on the screen, the reality of it hit me, and I guess I panicked. I’ll deal with it. We don’t have another appointment for eight weeks. I don’t want to feel like this again or have Lucy see me this way.”

Xavier finishes his drink and signals the bartender for the tab. When he turns back to me, his eyebrows are raised. “Let me guess. Lucy has no freaking clue about any of this, does she?”

I grimace, knowing that I’m about to get another lecture, and even though Xavier’s obviously ready to leave, I motion for one last shot to down quickly before he can load me into a cab and send me on my way. I know what I have to do tonight, and at the same time, I know there’s no way I’m going to get through it without a little liquid courage pumping through my veins. When I look at him, I try to pretend that I don’t see the disappointment on his face.

“Look, I’m going to tell her. I swear to it. But dammit, Z, a month ago she wasn’t even my girlfriend. When was I supposed to tell her my sob story? Before or after we were done fooling around? It wasn’t exactly pillow talk and our relationship wasn’t like that. She was just Lucy. My best friend. She didn’t need to know.”

Xavier starts laughing at me, and I try to ignore him as I take the shot once it’s set in front of me.

“What the hell’s so funny?”

“You, man. I swear to Christ, you have a funny definition of best friends. Do you have any idea how many times since last summer Lily’s asked me when Ms. Lucy and Uncle Kale are going to get married? You may have done a good job keeping it hidden from everyone else, but when you were around us, even my eight-year-old knew you two were made for each other. Not to mention, even if you were just ‘best friends,’” he says, and I scowl at his use of finger quotations, “isn’t that the kind of thing best friends share? Who better to talk to about that shit than your best friend? Someone who knows you better than anyone else and won’t judge you no matter what? Someone who’ll be your shoulder to cry, who you can lean on for support? Isn’t Lucy that person for you?”

“No, she’s not. She’s so much more than that, and that’s why I couldn’t tell her. I didn’t want her sympathy, and I didn’t want to bring a black cloud over what we had. If I’d opened up about all that, I’d have been in the permanent friend zone, and as far as she’s concerned, that’s a place I’ve wanted to avoid since the moment I realized I had true feelings for her. She wouldn’t have looked at me the same. I know it. Instead, I just stayed fun, playful, carefree, the-world-is-sunshine Kale Montgomery. She didn’t need to know about what happened before.”

Sighing, he stands up and gives me a knowing look. “I don’t think you’re giving Lucy, or yourself, enough credit. She can handle it, and knowing what I do of her, she’ll be with you every step of the way while you grieve—if, and only if, you’ll let her. It may not have seemed appropriate before, but Kale, this is something you can’t keep from her, and the longer you wait, the harder the fall’s going to be when it all comes out.” He grabs my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “That being said, I love you, man, and I’m here for you whenever you need me. Day or night, okay?”

As much as I love my sisters, I grew up asking the Lord for a brother to help combat all the estrogen around me, but Mom claimed she was done having kids and I was shit out of luck. Those prayers were finally answered the day I met Xavier Cruz, and I’ve been blessed with his friendship, his brotherhood ever since.

“I know. Thanks, man. It means a lot. And don’t worry. I’ll get my shit sorted. Once I do, I’ll talk with Lucy. I appreciate ya talking some sense into me. Hey, not to change the subject or anything, but Mom wanted me to let you know you guys are more than welcome to come down to Christmas this year. She loved having you all there last year and wanted to extend the invitation again. She’s always had a soft spot for you. Sometimes I think she’d rather have you be her son,” I joke, happy to lighten the mood.

Xavier’s been going home to Alabama with me whenever he could, and his mom and mine became fast friends all those years ago at our boot camp graduation. Both of our moms are single parents, and our families just kind of blended at the time. The twins have loved Lily since she was a baby, and they even made special trips up to visit her when Xavier’s been away. Although, Kalli’s also made sure to visit when he’s home, but I figure that’s just her trying to feed her childhood crush on him. As far as I know, he’s never given her the time of day, but my sister’s nothing if not persistent. Unfortunately for her, he was pining after Angela, Lily’s mom, for the longest time and wouldn’t ever look at another woman, and I think she finally got the hint. I wonder, though, now that Angela’s long gone, if he’d ever look at Kalli as anything other than a sister, but I shake the thought out of my head, knowing that those two would never be compatible.

“Sounds good. I’ll talk to Ma about it, but I’m sure she’ll say yes. Lily will be excited to see her Aunt Ginger. Okay, you ready to get outta here? Ma’s out and I told the babysitter I’d be back by eleven.”

Throwing enough bills on the bar to cover the check and the tip, I stand up, stumbling just a little as I realize that the booze is affecting a little more than I thought. Ignoring it, I nod and throw a passing wave to Jace and Knox before heading out. I’m ready to get home, but I’m not ready at all for what awaits me.

Chapter 21

Kale


AFTER SLAMMING the door to my house shut, I stalk towards the kitchen and grab the bourbon out of my freezer. I spent the whole cab ride home psyching myself up for what I’m about to do, but as soon as the driver pulled into my driveway I started having heart palpitations and the anxiety started to creep in like a slow, thick fog that was choking the life out of me. I knew I’d need more booze to get through this, and that’s the first thing I went for.

Without bothering to grab a glass, I drink straight from the bottle, enjoying the deep burn with every single gulp. I count slowly—one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three…—and so on until I hit five. Only then do I pull the bottle away from my lips, not even caring when the amber liquid dribbles down my chin. Unceremoniously, I wipe it away with my sleeve before pressing my forehead against the refrigerator and allowing the liquor to course through my veins, to give me a false sense of security, of relief, if only for a moment. Sighing, I know I need to get this over with, and I turn as I open and close my fists, pumping myself up much like I do whenever I’m about to get in the ring. I could use the extra adrenaline right now, but instead, I’ll just have to settle for the alcohol.

As I move to leave the kitchen, my eyes sweep over to the counter. Out of the corner of my eye, I see an envelope propped up against the microwave, and it has my name on it in what I recognize as Lucy’s handwriting. Walking towards it, I can feel my hands shaking nervously, and I have no idea why. It’s probably just some cute note like the other ones she likes to leave if we’re going to be apart for the night, and a part of me smiles at the thought.

I’m not sure when Lucy placed it there because I know I sure as hell didn’t see it before I dropped her off at Charlie and Knox’s place. Somehow she must’ve slipped back in and left it, and suddenly, I’m wishing she were here with me so I don’t have to do this alone. At the same time, I’m still not ready to go there with her, and I don’t want her to see me like this. Yeah, I need to do this on my own. I owe it to myself, to her. I have no idea how I’m going to let the past go, but I have to at least try.

With trembling hands and a racing heart, I pick up the envelope and turn it over, using my thumb to rip it open. I pull out a note, and I smile, knowing I was right. But as soon as I read the words, the smile falls, and my heart feels like it's being ripped in two.


Hey baby,

You’re probably out havin’ the time of your life with the guys right now while I’m being forced to listen to how hot the honeymoon was or whatever latest dirty escapade Charlie and Knox have partaken in. Have I told you that I hate his car? Seriously. Those two make me gag, and while I love my girls, I’m sure at this point in the night I’m wishing I’m wherever you are. Especially since I have to deal with them sober. It’s a cruel, cruel universe. But for Sprout, I guess I’ll put up with it.

Anyways, I just wanted to leave you a quick note to let you know I’ll be thinking about you. I wish we’d have gotten more time to revel in the events from this afternoon, but this is just the beginning, right? I wish I could explain in words what I felt the moment I heard that heartbeat, the second I saw our baby on that screen, but there’s not a word in the dictionary to properly describe just how momentous it was, just how extraordinary and breathtaking it felt. And you know, I think you get it. I saw the look on your face, Kale Montgomery, and if that wasn’t love personified, then I don’t know what is.