Sherry Ficklin - Losing Logan

By the time Cassidy drops me off it’s almost eleven and mom is waiting for me at the door, her eyes blood shot.

I’d texted her about my plans, but I’d failed to realize how long the adventure would take. The last thing I thought was that she’d wait up for me.

“That was a long trip,” she says, closing the door behind me. Logan is sitting on the couch, watching TV.

“She was worried,” he says without turning around to look at me. “Don’t be mean to her. She didn’t have to wait up for you.”

He’s right. I know he spent most of the day with his own mom, who is probably suffering in ways I can’t even imagine. I look at my mother, really look at her for the first time in months. Maybe years. Her curly hair is frizzed out, she has dark circles under her eyes and her skin is pale, too pale.

It takes me a minute to realize that Logan is right. I’ve been mean to her. Not intentionally, not really. But after dad died, I sort of decided not to allow myself to rely on anyone anymore, including her. She probably expected me to lean on her for support, but I’d done just the opposite. I learned not to lean on anyone. And being with Logan has also reminded me how short life can be. If something happened to one of us tomorrow, how would I want to have left things?

I smile. “I’m glad you’re still up. Kyle asked me to Homecoming, and I said yes.”

She almost melts with relief. I lead her into the kitchen.

“Look,” I say, pulling the dress out of the bag covering it.

She sighs softly. “It’s beautiful. So grown up.”

I fold the dress over my arm. “The thing is mom, I know I haven’t been as…available as you’d like. I’m sorry about that. I’ve had stuff and that’s not an excuse but—“

She holds up her hand. “Zoe, I understand. I haven’t exactly been around either. But it has sort of felt like you were pushing me away. Like, you didn’t need me anymore.”

She sits down at the table. “When we lost your dad, we lost each other too.”

I sit down beside her. “I know. But I just want you to know that I love you. And I want you to be a part of what’s going on in my life.” I pause. “A very silent part.”

She chuckles. “Deal.”

Leaning forward I hug her. I can feel her shake with quiet tears so I hold on a little longer.

When she lets go she wipes her eyes. “So, you and Kyle. Is it official?”

I nod. “Yeah it is.”

“And he treats you well?”

I nod again. I can see the top of Logan’s head through the arch way.

“He does.”

“Are you in love with him?”

I stare at her, my heart taking off like a rocket in my chest. “The truth is, I fell in love with somebody else a long time ago. I haven’t really gotten over that yet.”

She smiles sadly. “I understand. When I think about your dad, I can’t imagine ever loving anyone else like that ever again. But I think we both have to remember, we can always love the people we lose, it doesn’t mean we can never love again. I think it will just be a different love. But it doesn’t betray them or their memory. They would want us to be happy.”

I swallow back salty tears. I know she’s right. Logan has told me as much.

“Then why does it hurt so much?” I ask, my voice small and quiet.

She holds me again, stroking my hair.

“Because things have to hurt before they can heal.”

* * *

Logan is sitting in my chair when I finish catching mom up on my new social status and go to bed. I feel the tension melt out of my neck and shoulders at the sight of him.

“Hey,” I say softly, closing my door.

“Hey. I take it shopping went well.”

I nod, hanging the dress, bag and all in my closet.

“Yeah. I don’t think Becker is our guy. Cassidy says he wasn’t bent out of shape about what happened. He wasn’t angry with you at all. She actually said he was kind of flattered, which is just weird.”

“So do you think we should check out Jesus?”

I roll my eyes. “If Jesus killed you I’ll eat my own arm. That guy is a big teddy bear.”

“You are probably right about that. But he’s sort of our last lead.”

I flop down onto my bed. “I know. But the girls told me Kaylee’s mystery guy doesn’t even go to our school. I think we might be at a dead end. Unless you remembered something?”

He shakes his head.

Sitting back against the headboard I rub my eyes with my thumbs.

“So what do we do now?” I ask wearily.

“I’m going to keep tabs on the investigation, make sure they aren’t seriously considering you as a suspect. And I’ll keep trying to remember what happened.”

“What about me?”

He smiles. “You just keep being your charming self.”

I pull the pillow out from behind me and stuff it over my face.

“I have a date with Kyle on Friday.” I say, my voice muffled by the feathers.

“I know.”

Pulling the pillow away I shoot him a look.

“How do you know?”

“He mentioned it to Becker tonight. They hung out at Bruno’s house after practice. I was with him all night. I saw the pictures you sent him. It looked like you were having fun.”

His voice is light, but his face is sad.

I shrug. “Yeah. I kind of did. Why were you at his house so late?”

He rolls his eyes. “Because you asked me to keep an eye on him, remember? I stayed until Becker left.”

Oh yeah. I’d almost forgotten.

“Thanks for doing that,” I manage weakly. Thank you doesn’t seem like enough, not nearly enough. But it’s all I’ve got at the moment.

“I don’t think I can stay here anymore,” he says out of nowhere.

I jerk to attention.

“Why not?”

He looks at me, smiling weakly.

“It’s just too hard. I’ll stay outside. Keep an eye out for The Reaper.”

I bite my bottom lip. “But you don’t want to be near me anymore.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t say it like that, Zoe. It’s just too painful.”

I laugh dryly. “Yes, because it’s just a walk in the park for me.”

He stands up, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“Yeah, well you don’t have to stand by and watch the person you love falling in love with someone else.”

And with that he vanishes, leaving me stunned and speechless, feeling like he just carved my heart out of my chest with a dull spoon.

The next few days roll by in a disturbing wave of normalcy. The first week of school is over and, as Cassidy expected, Kyle and I are nominated for Homecoming King and Queen.

All of that I can deal with. But it’s going home at night, the driving, painful ache that throbs through me every time I close my eyes. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of Logan, across the street or down the hall. But he doesn’t speak to me anymore. He just turns away.

And slowly, the hole in my heart fills with rage. I lie awake at night thinking of all the things I will say to him when I see him again. About how I will call him a coward and a liar. But deep down, I just don’t want the pain to stop. I don’t want to get over him. And despite my best efforts not to, Logan is right. I’m falling for Kyle.

He picks me up a little before six. Mom is already at work, but she wants details. Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

Pulling open the door I see that Kyle has his back to me, looking across the street like he sees something. For one insane, frantic moment I think he might see Logan. But when I follow his gaze, there’s nothing.

“Hey,” I say drawing him back to me.

He turns, holding out his hand. There’s a tiny blue box nestled in his palm.

“What’s that?” I ask suspiciously.

He chuckles. “A gift. For our first official date. Open it.”

My curiosity overwhelms me as I take the box, backing up so he can come inside. Lifting the lid I see a tiny pearl on a silver chain.

“It’s beautiful.” I say, staring at the white jewel. “You didn’t have to do that.”

He takes it from my fingers, motioning for me to turn around.

“I got it in Hawaii. I went last summer with Logan and his family. We went diving and there was this bed of oysters. We picked some to eat, and this was inside one.”

He clasps it around my neck and I touch it gently where it lies in the hollow of my neck.

Turning around I throw my arms around his neck with more vigor than I mean to, nearly knocking him over.

“Thank you,” I whisper, clutching him tightly.

Obviously he doesn’t get my emotional response—how could he?—but he hugs me back tightly, lifting me off my feet.

When he sets me down. I’m somewhat recovered. I grab my tan jacket and we head out to his truck.

“So which dress did you decide on,” he asks as we drive.

I laugh. “Oh, that’s going to be a surprise.”

He smiles. “Well, don’t I need to know what color it is so we can match?”

I stare at him like he’s speaking Greek.

“Huh?”

He shifts in his seat. “Oh. That was a thing with Darla. She always made me get a bow tie to match her dress color.”

I laugh out loud and raise my right hand, “I solemnly promise never, under any circumstance, to make you dress to match me.”

He shakes his head. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to compare you, I thought it was just a chick thing. Kaylee used to do the same thing to Logan. I figured it was in the manual.”

I grab his arm. “Are you telling me there are instructions? My god, I never got the memo. How have I lived my life without it?”

“Oh, I think you’ve done pretty well for yourself.”

I grin and bring my shoulder to my chin playfully.