‘Ant, listen a moment,’ Don says soothingly. He hurries over and starts murmuring in Ant’s ear.

I can see Ant shooting us baleful looks, but at last he puffs angrily and says, ‘Fine. Whatever. I need to get going.’

I’m holding my breath as Don returns to us and firmly ushers us away from the set.

‘Can we still be extras?’ demands Suze anxiously.

‘Of course!’ he says, smiling tensely. ‘No problem. Let’s just get you to Wardrobe and then … well. What I would recommend is that in the upcoming scene you take more of a backseat role.’

‘You mean, don’t talk to the director,’ says Suze. ‘And don’t eat the props.’

He nods. ‘That kind of thing.’

‘Hear that, Bex?’ Suze nudges me. ‘No scoffing the set.’

OK, I’m going to make amends. I’m going to be really quiet and unobtrusive on set. Or at least, as unobtrusive as I can be, bearing in mind I’m now in a curly red wig, blackened teeth, hoop skirt and a laced bodice which makes my boobs look … Well. Prominent would be one word. Ridiculous would be another.

My make-up was slapped on in about five seconds by a girl listening to an iPod, but still, I’m transformed! I look dirty, grimy, wrinkled and kind of scary. As for Suze, she looks like an old crone. She’s got a black matted wig and some kind of tooth plate which changes the shape of her mouth, and warts all over her hands. She’s walking around with a limp and, honestly, she looks just like a pirate. I’m not doing a limp, but I think I might do a little palsied shake in my hands. Or a twitch. Just a very subtle one.

We’ve been put in a side room and all the other extras are sitting around reading books and looking bored, but I’m roaming about, staying alert. The only slight downside is I haven’t yet managed to speak to anyone about job opportunities in Wardrobe. Renée Slattery is nowhere to be seen, and all the wardrobe staff are quite harassed. I asked a question about my petticoat length, and the girl in charge said, ‘Doesn’t matter. Next?’

Doesn’t matter? How can a petticoat not matter?

Then I asked her how she got into her job, and she said, ‘I was idiot enough to want to get up at five a.m. my whole life,’ which is not an answer, and shooshed me along.

‘Background actors!’ The second AD, Dino, is standing at the door. ‘Background actors to set, please!’

Ooh! That’s us!

As we file through the soundstage and on to the set, I feel a sizzle of excitement. It’s really happening! I’m going to be in a film! This set is far bigger than the last one and is the inside of a ship’s cabin. There are about ten extras, including me and Suze – all women – and according to a conversation I overheard just now, this is a really key, important scene.

A key, important scene! What if it becomes one of those really famous movie scenes that gets shown on the telly all the time and I’m in it! What if I get discovered! I feel a ridiculous flicker of hope. I mean, I know I’ve never really considered acting as a career, but what if I have the right face for film and I never realized it before?

I’m gripped by a vivid fantasy in which Ant suddenly stops the shooting and focuses the camera on me, and then turns to his assistant and says, simply, ‘My God. Look at her cheekbones.’

I mean, OK, I know it’s not that likely. But I do have quite good cheekbones, and everything’s different when you look at it through a camera and—

‘Bex!’ Suze prods me. ‘Dino’s calling you!’

I hurry over to Dino and look expectantly at him, hoping he might say something like, ‘I’d like to audition you for the small part of Pirate Princess.’

‘OK, you. Cake-eater girl.’ He looks up from a list.

Cake-eater girl?

‘I’m called Becky,’ I tell him.

‘Nice.’ He’s clearly not listening. ‘Now, I’m placing you where Ant can’t see you. We don’t want him wound up any further. You’ll be polishing Gwennie’s shoes with this rag, and you stay in this position the whole scene. Keep your face down, away from the camera. Got it? Away from the camera.’ He turns away, summoning the next girl and I stare at him, crestfallen.

Away from the camera? But no one will see me. What about my family? I want to wail. How will they know it’s me?

I feel totally crushed as I get into position, grovelling on the floor and clutching a manky old rag. This isn’t what I imagined at all. A girl who looks a bit like April Tremont has sat down on the chair and shoots me an uninterested glance. I guess she’s the stand-in.

‘People!’ Dino is clapping his hands. ‘A little background to the scene we’ll be playing. The pirates’ womenfolk are preparing for the marriage ceremony. Gwennie, played by April Tremont …’ There’s a burst of applause from some of the extras, and Dino smiles in acknowledgement. ‘Gwennie is being given to the pirate bandit, Eduardo, played by Curt Millson. However, she’s in love with the rival pirate Captain Arthur, aka captain of the Black Flag, and in this scene we’ll see this fact being discovered by Eduardo.’

‘Hi,’ I say miserably to the stand-in. ‘I have to polish your shoes.’

‘Fine.’ She lifts up her skirt and I rub her shoe dispiritedly.

‘OK, we’re going to rehearse!’ comes Dino’s voice. ‘Action!’

‘Marriage to Eduardo,’ says the stand-in, in a monotone. ‘Never while I’m alive.’ She takes out a scarf and fondles it. ‘Oh, Arthur.’

‘Background actors,’ instructs Dino. ‘I want you to look at the scarf. You’re interested in it.’

Obediently I crick my head to look at the scarf, but Dino immediately says, ‘Not you, cake-eater girl.’

Great. Everyone else gets to look at the scarf while I get to grovel on the floorboards. The door swings open with a creak and I hear the tramp of heavy boots.

‘What is that pretty thing?’ comes a deep, masculine voice. ‘Show me.’

‘Never!’ says the stand-in.

Then there’s some sort of tussle, but I can’t see because I don’t dare lift my head. This is so frustrating. I’m longing to see what it’s all about, but I can’t see a bloody thing, stuck down here. I’ll never get to do my twitch, let alone say, ‘’Tis true, cap’n.’ It’s so depressing.

‘Cut!’

I sit back on my heels and wave at Suze, trying not to feel envious. It’s OK for her, she’s on a step, where everyone can see her. She’s even been given a proper prop – an old broken comb – and she’s combing her tangled hair with a theatrical flourish.

‘Excuse me.’ A mellifluous voice hits my ear, and a tiny button boot appears in front of my eyes. I look up and feel a jolt of awe. It’s April Tremont! Herself! She’s stepping into the chair, and lifting up her skirts so I can rub at her boots.

‘I guess you’re polishing these,’ she says with a nod. ‘Poor you.’

‘Oh it’s fine!’ I say at once. ‘It’s fun. You know. I love polishing boots. I mean, not just on film sets, I love polishing them at home, and in the garden and … er …’

Argh. Stop babbling, Becky.

‘I’m April,’ she says pleasantly.

Like I didn’t know that. Like she’s not really, really famous.

‘I’m Becky.’

‘You’re the one who ate the cake?’

‘It was a mistake,’ I say hastily.

‘That made me laugh.’ She smiles, that amazing smile which I’ve seen in loads of movies. Well, not loads of movies exactly. Two movies and one sitcom and an ad campaign for moisturizer. But still.

‘April. Curt. A word with you both?’ Ant is heading over this way and I hurriedly bury my face in April’s skirt, so he won’t notice me. Not that he seems to notice any of the extras, anyway.

‘I want some real violence in this scene,’ I hear him saying above my head. ‘Curt, when you see the insignia of your enemy on Gwennie’s scarf, everything changes. You know she’s in love with Arthur, and it infuriates you. Remember, this scene is the pivot; it’s what drives you to attack the Fleet of Foes; it’s what starts the whole chain of events. OK, guys? Passion. Intensity. Let’s go for a take.’

Despite everything I can’t help feeling a jolt of excitement. A take! We’re going for a take! It’s happening!

An hour later, I’m feeling a teeny bit less excited. We’ve done the scene over and over, and every time I have to keep my head down while all the action goes on above, and I’m getting achy knees from being in this position.

Plus, the more we do the scene, the less I understand it.

‘Are you OK?’ April Tremont smiles down from where she’s having her make-up touched up. ‘Pretty tough down there.’

‘Oh, it’s fine!’ I say at once. ‘Fine! Really fab!’

‘Enjoying the scene?’

‘Er …’ I hesitate. I know I should say, ‘Yes, it’s brilliant!’ But the truth is, I just can’t relate to it.

‘I don’t get it,’ I say at last. ‘But you’re really good,’ I add quickly.

‘Which part don’t you get?’ says April, looking interested.

‘Well, why are you playing with your scarf?’

‘It’s a memento from my lover, Arthur,’ explains April. ‘It has his distinctive insignia on it. See?’ She holds the scarf out so I can see.

‘I know that.’ I nod. ‘But you’re on Eduardo’s ship. He’s really violent and he hates Arthur. So wouldn’t you keep it hidden? If you really loved Arthur you’d protect him, surely.’

April Tremont stares at me silently for a few moments. ‘That’s a good point,’ she says. ‘Why am I playing with it?’

‘Maybe you’re supposed to be quite stupid?’ I suggest.

‘No!’ says April sharply. ‘I’m not. Ant!’ She raises her voice. ‘Ant, come over here!’

Oh God. I tuck my face down into her skirt and try to look as inconspicuous as possible.

‘Ant, I have a problem with my motivation,’ says April. ‘Why does Gwennie get out the scarf?’