‘Package for you.’ Jeff comes back into the kitchen, heaving a large crate with First Move Security Solutions on the side.

‘Security Solutions?’ Luke stares at the crate. ‘What’s this?’

‘It’s … er … some stuff I bought.’

‘Oh Christ.’ He closes his eyes. ‘What have you done now?’

‘You don’t need to sound like that! It was recommended by the experts!’ I reach for a knife and jemmy off the top of the crate. ‘They said I might like to consider investing in extra security for my family. So I bought …’

I hesitate as I peer into the crate, slightly losing my nerve. They look a bit more military than I was expecting.

‘What?’ demands Luke. ‘What did you buy?’

‘Body armour.’ I try to sound casual. ‘Just as a precaution. Loads of celebrities wear it.’

‘Body armour?’ Luke’s voice rises incredulously. ‘You mean, bullet-proof vests?’

‘Bullet-proof vests?’ Suze spits out her tea. ‘Bex, you didn’t!’

‘This one is for you.’ I pull out the Panther model in taupe, which I thought would really suit Suze.

‘I’m not wearing a bullet-proof vest!’ she says in horror. ‘Get that thing away from me!’

‘How much did these cost?’ Luke is holding up the Leopard model in khaki green, with a finger and thumb.

‘It doesn’t matter how much they cost,’ I say defensively. ‘Who can put a price on the safety of loved ones? And anyway, there was a special offer. Buy four garments and get a stun gun free.’

‘A stun gun?’ Luke recoils.

‘Every family should have a stun gun,’ I say, more confidently than I feel.

‘You’ve gone insane.’ Luke turns to Suze. ‘She’s insane.’

‘Luke, I’m not a civilian any more!’ I exclaim. ‘Life has changed! Don’t you understand that?’

I feel so frustrated. Why don’t they get it? Sage understands, and the man at the security company totally understood. In fact, he thought I should buy a door-frame X-ray scanner, too, and change all our locks to ‘panic hardware’.

‘Becky, my darling,’ says Luke kindly. ‘You are totally and utterly deluded, if you think—’

He breaks off as a frantic barking comes from outside. The next minute, Jeff is on his feet, listening furiously to his earpiece.

‘Stay where you are,’ he says gruffly to me. ‘We have a situation.’ As he hurries out of the kitchen, I hear him ordering, ‘Describe the intruder.’

Situation? Intruder? My heart spasms in fear.

Well, if I’m honest, half in fear and half in triumph.

‘You see?’ I say to Luke. ‘You see? Minnie, darling, come here.’ I draw her protectively towards me, my voice quivering. She gazes up at me, her eyes huge and questioning, and I stroke her brow. ‘Children, stay away from the windows. We’ll be fine.’ I try to sound brave and positive. ‘Let’s just keep calm and sing “My Favourite Things”.’

We need a panic room. That’s what celebrities have. And maybe more dogs.

‘Is it a burglar?’ Clemmie starts to cry.

‘I’ll fight him,’ says Ernest boldly. ‘Ha-ya!’

‘Luke,’ I say quietly. ‘Get the stun gun out of the crate.’

‘Are you out of your mind?’ Luke rolls his eyes. He takes a piece of toast out of the toaster and calmly spreads butter on it, then takes a bite. I stare at him in indignant disbelief. Is he heartless? Doesn’t he care about our safety?

‘Let go!’ A male voice is shouting from outside. Oh my God, it’s the intruder. ‘Call off that dog! Call it off!’

‘Identify yourself!’ Mitchell’s voice is booming through the air, and Echo is barking more loudly than ever. I can’t help feeling terrified and exhilarated, all at the same time. This is like something off the TV!

‘The burglar’s here!’ Clementine bursts into fresh, terrified sobs, and after a nanosecond, Minnie joins in.

‘For God’s sake!’ says Suze, and glances balefully at me. ‘Happy now?’

‘Don’t blame me!’

‘He’ll get us!’ Clementine wails. ‘He’s coming!’

There’s the sound of scuffling coming from the hall and men’s shouts, then a thump and a furious exclamation from one man, who suddenly sounds just like—

Hang on a minute. That’s not—

‘Dad?’ I yell incredulously, just as Jeff and Mitchell appear at the kitchen door, manhandling my father as though they’re cops in a movie and he’s the double-crossing vice-president who was found trying to climb out of a window.

‘Becky!’

‘That’s my dad!’

‘Grandpa!’

‘We found this suspect prowling in the drive—’

‘I wasn’t prowling—’

‘Let go of him!’

We’re all speaking at once, and poor Wilfie has put his hands over his ears.

‘Let go of him!’ I yell again, above the hubbub. ‘He’s my father!’

Reluctantly, Mitchell lets go of Dad’s arm, which he had twisted behind his back. I mean, honestly. How could they think Dad was an intruder? You couldn’t see anyone less suspicious-looking than my dad. He’s wearing summer trousers and a blazer, and a panama hat, and he looks as though he’s about to go to a cricket match.

‘How’s my Minnie?’ he says in delight, as Minnie throws herself at him. ‘How’s my little sweetheart?’

‘Dad, what’s going on?’ I demand. ‘Why are you here? Mum’s so worried!’

‘Are you sure this is your dad?’ Mitchell says mistrustfully to me.

‘Of course I’m sure!’

‘Well, he’s not on the list.’ Jeff gives me his reproachful look again. ‘Rebecca, we need comprehensive information to work effectively.’

‘I didn’t know he was coming!’

‘So how did he access the drive? How did he open the gates?’ Jeff is still frowning suspiciously at Dad.

‘It’s the same code as the garage at home,’ says Dad cheerily. ‘I thought I’d chance it, and hey presto.’

‘I always use the same code,’ I explain to Jeff. ‘It’s the same as my pin number, too. And my mum’s. That way, we can get money out for each other. It’s really handy.’

‘You use the same code for everything?’ Jeff looks aghast. ‘Your mother has the same code? Rebecca, we talked about code safety.’

‘Oh, right,’ I say guiltily. ‘OK. I’ll change it. One of them. All of them.’

(I’m so not going to change anything. Four numbers is hard enough to remember as it is.)

‘Welcome, Graham.’ Luke is shaking Dad’s hand. ‘Would you like some breakfast? You’ll be staying with us, of course.’

‘If that’s all right.’

‘Dad, where’ve you been?’ I chime in impatiently. ‘What’s going on? Why are you in LA?’

There’s silence in the kitchen. Even Jeff and Mitchell look interested.

Dad gives me a guarded smile. ‘I just have some business to take care of. That’s all. I stayed at a hotel last night, and here I am.’

‘It’s Brent Lewis, isn’t it? Dad, what’s the mystery?’

‘No mystery,’ says Dad. ‘Simply …’ He hesitates. ‘Something I have to put right. Might I make myself a cup of tea?’ He reaches for the kettle and peers at it, puzzled. ‘Does this go on the stove?’

‘That’s how they do it in America,’ I explain. ‘They don’t understand electric kettles. But then, they don’t really understand tea, either. Here, I’ll do it.’ I fill the kettle with water, plonk it on the hob, then immediately text Mum: He’s here!!!

Dad has sat down at the table with Minnie on his lap, and is playing Incy Wincy Spider with her. Soon all the other children are clustering around too, and he doesn’t even notice me texting. A minute or two later, my phone rings, and it’s Mum.

‘Where is he?’ she demands shrilly. ‘What’s he doing? Does he know how worried I’ve been?’

‘I’m sure he does,’ I say hurriedly. ‘I’m sure he’s really sorry. There’ll be a brilliant explanation, I know it.’ Dad glances up, his expression blank, and I make vigorous hand gestures which are supposed to mean ‘It’s Mum!’

‘Well, put me on!’

‘Er, Dad,’ I say. ‘It’s Mum. She wants to talk to you.’ I hold out the phone gingerly and take a step backwards.

‘Jane,’ says Dad, as he takes the phone. ‘Now, Jane. Jane, listen. Jane.’

I can hear Mum’s tinny voice coming through the phone in a constant, high-pitched stream. Dad clearly can’t get a word in.

Suze raises her eyebrows at me and I shrug back helplessly. I’ve never felt at quite such a loss.

‘You mustn’t concern yourself,’ Dad is saying. ‘I’ve told you, it’s simply an issue with a couple of old friends.’ He pours boiling water into the teapot. ‘No, I’m not coming home on the next flight! I must do this.’ He sounds suddenly resolute.

I look questioningly at Luke, who also shrugs. This is driving me mad.

‘She wants to talk to you, darling,’ says Dad, handing the phone back to me. He seems quite unruffled by Mum’s tirade.

‘Why won’t he tell me what he’s doing?’ Mum’s voice blasts in my ear. ‘He keeps saying he’s got “something to sort out” with that Brent Lewis. I’ve Googled him, you know. Can’t find anything. You said he lives in a trailer. Did you actually meet him?’

‘No.’ I glance at Dad, who’s sipping tea now.

‘Well, keep an eye on Dad.’

‘I will.’

‘And I’m coming out, as soon as I can make arrangements. It would be the same time as the church bazaar.’ Mum gives a gusty sigh. ‘I preferred the guitar lessons to this. At least he did them in the garage.’

As I put the phone down, I turn to Dad and see that he’s looking at my necklace with a kind of rueful expression. It’s the Alexis Bittar one that he got me with his BB.

‘I love this,’ I say, touching it. ‘I wear it all the time.’

‘Do you, darling? That’s good.’ He smiles, but there’s something wrong in his smile. I want to scream. What is up?

He finishes his tea, then gets to his feet.

‘I must be off.’