CHAPTER NINE

AT LAST Polly’s shoulders stopped shaking and she managed to grow calmer.

‘I’m all right now,’ she said.

He didn’t believe for a moment that she was all right. She was pretending because she refused to think of herself. He wondered just how often she did think of herself.

But all he said was, ‘Let’s put him to bed.’

She looked down at where Matti lay in her arms, calmer, but still weeping quietly, and kissed him.

‘Come along, darling.’

‘Where do you keep his night things?’ Ruggiero asked.

‘In that drawer.’

He drew out some clothes and watched while she undressed Matti and changed him.

‘Why don’t you help me put on his night suit?’ she said.

But he shook his head.

‘He doesn’t want a stranger right now. You’re all he has to cling to.’

He pulled back the covers for her as she laid Matti into the cot. He was asleep almost at once.

‘And now he’s as good as gold,’ Ruggiero mused, looking down at him.

‘He’s always as good as gold,’ Polly said quickly. ‘That wasn’t a tantrum. He was confused and miserable because he’s missing his mother, and he screamed at the world because that’s all a toddler knows how to do.’

‘Not just a toddler,’ Ruggiero said. ‘Isn’t that what I’ve been doing-screaming at the world? Only I don’t have his excuse. I told you, I don’t like the sight of myself right now.’

He touched the tiny hand lying outside the cover.

‘Maybe he and I can help each other,’ he murmured. ‘We seem to speak the same language after all.’

‘I should have seen it coming,’ Polly said regretfully. ‘So much has happened to the poor little mite-’

‘But what about you?’ he asked, looking at her.

‘I’m all right,’ she repeated, but already the tears were sliding down her cheeks again. ‘I don’t know why-just-suddenly-’

‘It was bound to happen. You’ve had to be strong for a long time, but nobody can be strong for ever.’

‘I’m a nurse. Being strong is-is-what I do.’

‘Even a nurse is human.’

‘I’m used to looking after sick people,’ she whispered. ‘But when it’s someone of your own, for months-I did want to help her-but it was beyond anything I could do. I watched, and tried to make it a little easier for her, but I never did any real good. I couldn’t-I couldn’t-’

It was happening again. As one wave retreated another engulfed her. She began to pace up and down, weeping, not looking where she was going until she found herself facing the wall and laid her head against it, unable to do anything else.

He was behind her at once, taking gentle hold of her, turning her to face him and putting his arms about her.

‘Let it go,’ he said. ‘Don’t fight it.’

She made a vague gesture, almost as if to draw back, but he tightened his arms and then it seemed natural to let her head fall on his shoulder and give way to the grief she’d barely known that she felt.

She felt him drawing her towards the bed, sitting her down and sitting beside her. She seemed to have no energy left, and no hope-nothing but the misery that had consumed her without warning. She sobbed violently, no longer trying to master it.

Polly sensed that he’d turned his head to lay his cheek against her hair. But he made no other movement until the storm had quietened.

‘I want you to tell me everything,’ he said gently.

‘But I already have. We’ve talked so much about her.’

‘No, we’ve talked about me,’ he said heavily. ‘And Sapphire-what she was like, what she did to me. But you haven’t told me what it was like for you.’

‘That doesn’t matter,’ she said wildly.

‘Do you really believe that? That your suffering doesn’t matter? That you don’t matter? Because that’s not how I see it. You’ve got to tell someone or go crazy-and who should you tell but me, Polly?’

She made an incoherent noise.

‘It works both ways,’ he urged. ‘We each know something nobody else knows, and that can’t be brushed aside. Don’t hide things any more. Tell me what happened at the end. How did it all come about? How did you find the strength to cope? And don’t try to put me off by saying you’re a nurse, because that’s an excuse, not an answer.’

His insight surprised her.

But something held her silent. This was new territory. To be approached with caution, even a little fear. But his eyes were kind, as though he understood everything that was going through her mind.

‘Go on,’ he said.

Polly took a shaky breath.

‘She was living in Yorkshire, in what George grandly called Ranley Manor, while I lived in south London, near the hospital where I worked. One evening she turned up at my door, holding Matti. George had thrown her out and I was the only close relative she had. That night she only told me that Matti wasn’t George’s child. The rest came later. At first we were quite happy. She was a good cook, and I ate better than I’d done for ages. Then she told me that she was “a little worried” about a symptom. I knew the truth straight away. I rushed her to the doctor but she’d already delayed too long. We explained that she needed treatment, but not how bad things were. She couldn’t have borne to know the worst just then.

‘The hospital did everything possible, but it was too late. She wouldn’t give up hope. She’d say, “I’m getting better, Pol. I really am.” The hardest thing-’ She stopped, because the memory that was coming towards her was horrible. She couldn’t face it. She could only flee in dread.

‘What was the hardest thing?’

‘No, it-it doesn’t matter.’

‘Yes, it does,’ he said softly. ‘Tell me.’

‘Please don’t ask me to,’ she wept.

‘Polly, you’ve got to deal with it, or it’ll fester inside and poison you.’

‘I can’t-’

‘Yes, you can-while I’m keeping you safe.’

He bent his head and kissed her tumbled hair.

‘Tell me,’ he said. ‘Tell me now.’

‘She trusted me so much because I was a nurse. She’d say, “I’m all right with you, aren’t I, Pol? You’re a nurse, you won’t let me die.” She’d make me keep saying it, because if I said it she knew it was true. I didn’t know what to do-’

‘But you said it, didn’t you?’ he said sombrely. ‘You said what she wanted to hear.’

‘I had to,’ she said passionately. ‘I didn’t care if it was true as long as it gave her a little peace, and I lied and lied and lied.’

‘Of course. You couldn’t have done anything else. Did she believe you?’

‘For a while. But in the end she knew, and I could see the fear growing in her eyes. At night she used to sob in my arms. By day she’d put on her bright smile and play with Matti. She was a good mother to him. She liked nothing better than to be with him, playing with him, and when she was too weak to play talking to him. That’s why he started talking so soon.’

She drew back a little.

‘I’ve told you the worst of her, but you should know the best too. She was a brilliant mother, and he’ll always have that-the knowledge that his mother liked his company best in all the world. That’s why her death is so terrible for him. He knows he’s lost the loveliest thing he ever had.’ She added, almost pleading, ‘You should understand that feeling because you feel it too.’

‘Not any longer.’

‘But for him it’s true, and it always will be.’

‘What happened at the end?’ he asked, not answering her directly.

‘She had to go into hospital for the last three weeks. I’d take Matti in, and we’d spend as much time together as we could. When she died I took her back to Yorkshire, to be buried with her parents.’

‘And then you came here?’

‘Not at first. Matti and I went home, locked the door and stayed there for a couple of weeks. During that time I read the letter that gave me a rough idea where to find you.’ A shudder went through her. ‘I thought I had everything under control, and then suddenly-’

‘It hit you out of the blue,’ he said softly. ‘When that happens it’s terrifying, especially if you’re a person who likes to be in control.’

‘I guess you could say that about both of us,’ she murmured.

‘Yes, and it’s worse for us because we’ve got no practice in being helpless,’ he said with a touch of grim humour, adding, ‘Although I may be learning.’

She gave a choke of laughter

‘That’s better,’ he said, holding her face between his hands. ‘No, you’re not really laughing, are you? You’ve borne too much alone, but you’re not alone now. I’m here, and I understand you as nobody else does-just as you understand me as nobody else does or ever will. We’re a great team.’

She tried to smile, but it came out wonky. The sight touched him painfully, and he drew her closer, kissing her cheeks, her eyes, her lips, thinking of nothing except consoling her.

Polly remained still in his hands, feeling the light touch of his lips with the force of a thunderclap.

‘Out of the blue,’ he’d said. ‘Terrifying-’

His words had been strangely prophetic. There’d been no warning of this, no time to steel herself against temptation and the shock of desire. She could only sit there, helpless in his hands, a prey to the sweetest feelings she had ever known, while he kissed her as if oblivious to what he was doing.

She wasn’t sure whether he tilted her face further towards him or whether she raised it herself, but his lips found hers and lay against them. For a moment her breath seemed to stop. There was something almost terrifying about being given something she wanted so much-like being transported to heaven without warning.

He kissed her again and again, while her heart pounded and she tried to think. But thinking was impossible. She wanted to move against him, to fit her head against his shoulder and let her lips caress his. Above all she wanted to entice him to explore her, as she longed to explore him.