D’Angelo had not been on the guest list because Micah felt having the person who hired him to kill me there, would have been like bringing Robert to the wedding. The reason for the change in our wedding date was now abundantly clear to me. Had we tried to keep it September 15th, D’Angelo would have gotten to me before Micah and I had the opportunity to experience each other. I wondered if it was possible that I might be pregnant. What a sad, but beautiful way to keep a part of him with me.

When nighttime came Ryan was fully awake and I was exhausted from not sleeping the night before. I felt bad leaving him sitting there with nothing to do, but I had to go to bed. I honestly don’t know why I even tried. Within an hour, I was awake again. I tossed and turned and finally got up and watched a late movie with him until one a.m. and then tried once again to go to sleep.

I needed my sleeping pill; he was just over six feet tall with muscles and a way of crooning my name, and wrapping his arm around my waist as I drifted off to sleep. But there was no Micah to lull me into the rest I needed, only his memory; and a memory of him could never replace what I needed.

The next morning, the effects of two sleepless nights were starting to show. Ryan was up by ten and rather chipper for having risen before noon, but he could tell immediately I hadn’t done well through the night.

“I think you need to get out and get some fresh air and exercise that way you’ll be so tired you’ll sleep tonight. I found a trail last Christmas that leads to a waterfall, wanna go?”

“Give me a few minutes to pull myself together,” I said as I stumbled to the bathroom and got ready.

He was right about the walk, I felt so much better as we took off down the mountainside. We discussed leaving perhaps by Friday and going to our final destination, final as long as there were no signs that Micah had figured out where we went. We were both pretty sure our location here had been a good choice and that was why we wouldn’t leave for another three or four days.

The waterfall was tucked off to the side of the path, but the sound of the falling water could be heard for a good distance away. It was small, but still impressive as it poured over the rocks and continued as a small stream running down the mountain. We splashed around and acted like a pair of kids for a while and then finally started the journey back up the mountain.

Okay, now I understood what he was saying about being tired enough for sleep tonight. The trip up the trail was arduous where as the trip down had been pleasant. We were both sweaty and drained of all the positive energy when we reached Harvey’s place. Ryan took a shower and flopped on the couch, passing out almost immediately. I took a shower and tried passing out, but as tired as I was, I simply couldn’t sleep. When he rolled over two hours later, he found me sitting there watching him.

“I made you some lunch,” I said as he looked at me expressionlessly.

He blinked a couple times, yawned and rubbed his sleepy face, “Did you take a nap?”

“I tried; no luck.”

“Crap, Leese, you’ve got to get some sleep before you turn into a zombie.” He sat up, putting his feet on the floor and running his hand over his shock-red stubble, “If you don’t sleep tonight, we’re going back to town and getting you some sleeping pills.”

“I don’t take pills,” I retorted.

“Well you got to do something. Did you have problems sleeping before all of this?”

“I did until Micah started staying at the house. He was my ‘sleeping pill,’” I said, smiling for once at a memory instead of crying. “Some nights he’d slip in my room and-”

Ryan’s hand went up to shush me, “I don’t know if I want to hear about what he did to get you to sleep.”

“Ryan,” I stated with surprise, “we didn’t have sex until after we got married. He would just crawl in bed and hold me and then we could both sleep. It’s like we became so bonded when we had to stay together because of the contract that now it’s as if something inside me is actually…” The tears were coming to the surface as I looked away so he wouldn’t notice, but it was too late.

He reached over and turned my chin toward him, “It’s okay to cry, Leese. Go ahead and finish what you were saying.”

I sighed as I let the tears fall, “Something inside me is missing and I have to wonder if he’s been able to sleep at all either.”

“So how does he hold you when you sleep together?”

His hand gently caressed the side of my face and then swept slowly through my hair. I closed my eyes in response to the touch, “We’d… Why?” I asked suddenly more alert than before the soft lull snagged me when he touched my face.

“How about a replacement?” he whispered.

That caused a heated flush through my system as the thought of Ryan holding me in bed hit me, “No-I don’t’ want to give you, or me, the wrong idea.”

“Just tell me how he holds you? Please, Leese. I’m not going to try to jump your bones. I’ve got a little more restraint than that.”

“But what if I don’t,” I said softly.

I could see that took him completely off guard as a light smile came to his face, “I could only hope, but I think we both know you’re more level headed than that.”

“Usually, yeah, but I swear it hurts so bad that I just feel…” It was time to shut up and not tell him what had been going through my head when I focused on the physical instead of the mental. Mentally I was strong enough for a lifetime of denial, but physically? That had become another issue entirely.

“Tell me how he holds you,” he repeated, “or I’m buying you some sleeping pills, and I am big enough to make you take one.”

I was thinking there was no way he was big enough to do that, but right now I wasn’t up for the challenge, “I’m usually on my side and he just fits behind me and wraps his arm around my waist.”

“Tonight you and I are going to see if we can get you to stay asleep.”

He wasn’t leaving room for rebuttal, but I had to have a little more from him than the simple statement that he was going to be my ‘Micah’ stand-in, “If I’m not comfortable with this Ryan, you-”

“I’ll get out of the bed and leave you by yourself,” he finished for me.

“And,” I said, coming to the real crux of the matter, “If I’m too comfortable, you won’t let me cross any lines.”

He rolled his eyes, “I’m just curious, but if this is a permanent situation between you and him, and you honestly change your mind about-about us at some point, how will I know you aren’t just getting ‘too comfortable’ as you put it?”

I had to think about that. He had a valid question, but I wanted to believe, in my heart of hearts, God would work something out for Micah and me. I’d seen His plan unfolding all along, and I was amazed how He had gotten me through what should have been the end of my life to the point I was at right now, but what if His plan changed? What if I felt honestly led to embrace more from Ryan than friendship? This was a deeper thought than I planned to tackle anytime soon. What if Ryan was the new plan for my life? I looked at him and knew he sensed how difficult this question was for me to answer. But, I could answer it.

“First, you’ve got to promise me you won’t stop looking for the right girl to come along. I don’t want you holding your breath, waiting for me to change my mind. God will put the right person in your path someday and, if it’s not me, I don’t want to be what holds you back if you find her.”

“I can promise that, but tell me how to know it’s for real between you and me, and not just because we get a little too comfortable with each other.”

“If I ever, wide awake, ask you to make love to me, I’ll mean it. But if I ask you, it’ll mean I want the rest of our lives to be together; I don’t go for the one-night-stand concept.”

“I don’t know how any man could ever want only one night with you,” he finally gave me that big smile and said he was ready for lunch.

I could tell he was anxious to put our plan into action tonight; I couldn’t help but think this wasn’t the best idea. The closer it came to bedtime, the less sure I was of trying this.

“If you don’t mind,” I said as it became late, “I’d like to go to bed by myself. I can fall asleep, I just can’t seem to stay that way. Once I’m out, slip in beside me and we’ll find out if this is going to work or not.”

He nodded as I left the couch and went to bed. I was afraid I might not be able to drift off, but exhaustion took over and unconsciousness crept in. I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or if I actually felt the moment he slipped in beside me. I had that wonderful sensation of Micah’s strong arm gathering me against his body, a soft kiss against my neck and then a feeling of peace filled me.

It was after ten in the morning when my eyes fluttered open. It had worked and I actually had gotten a full night’s sleep. A warm arm was wrapped around my waist and I could feel his breath against my hair. It only took an instant to remember I wasn’t in Micah’s embrace. Being awake, together, in this position wouldn’t be good so I attempted to slip out from under his arm and get out of the bed before he stirred. He was a late sleeper so I didn’t think this would be a difficult feat, until I tried to move his arm. His grip tightened, hard. I heard him moaning and making some unintelligible sounds, but he never lightened his hold. I grabbed his wrist and put a little more force into trying to lift his arm.

“No.” His hips pushed firmly against my butt as his arm moved slightly lower to keep me from pulling away.

I couldn’t see his face so I didn’t know if he told me no in his sleep or if he was awake and refusing to let go of me. “Ryan,” I whispered.

He inhaled deeply and moaned again.