Lindsay Delagair - Unforgivable

They could only stay two more days, because Kimmy was missing school for this adventure, but they were two terrific days. We spent one of the days at the Garden of the Gods, and then the last day was spent at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo and the Seven Falls Park. Ryan joined us for each adventure, and by the time they were ready to head back, Mom seemed to understand how I could be enamored with two men. I was relieved she no longer had a bad impression of him-he didn’t deserve to be the scapegoat for what happened; it just simply had to look that way to make it work.

The days passed too quickly and it was finally time for the first show to air. Ryan said we needed to have a party and he volunteered my place to have it. Naomi, Andy, Ty, Candace, Candace’s dad, and Ryan all came to my house. I ordered catered food simply because I was too nervous to get any cooking done.

It was so completely different to watch the show than what it had been to do the show. They made everything so seamless. It was a two hour special and they included lots of clips. Candace’s reaction to Carrie putting her hands on Ryan caused her to flush with anger immediately. Ryan told her what happened, but it still seemed to take her by surprise. I watched, even more carefully, as the airplane trip to Tennessee came on screen. They included the shot of the two of us asleep, Ryan’s arm draped across me, but she didn’t seem upset. Her dad, on the other hand, sent an annoyed glance Ryan’s direction (which Ryan pretended not to notice). They had clips from my practice with Rascal Flatts, and finally, all the stage performances. Everyone agreed I had done an outstanding job. All I could do as I watched was to hope and pray that Micah was also watching, and he would know how incredibly hard it had been for me to leave him.

Our party ended and we made plans to get everyone together on the following Tuesday for the last women’s taped show. I would be leaving the following Friday to stay in L.A. for the five solid weeks as we geared up for live shows and the count-down started toward the final two.

But, the next day, I wasn’t prepared for so many people to suddenly recognize who I was. I had the feeling that every person in Colorado Springs had watched the show. When I got to the grocery store, everyone wanted to say hello, get an autograph, or take a picture with me. All of them wished me well and said they hoped I’d be the winner.

Ryan showed later that afternoon and he was completely flustered. It wasn’t the whole fame thing that bothered him. It was the fact that when he took Candace to work and gave her a kiss goodbye, an elderly lady approached and smacked him with her handbag and told him that he shouldn’t be two-timing on me!

“This might get really sticky, baby girl, because people think I’m your main squeeze.”

“You’ll just have to be careful out in public when you’re with Candace. I’m sure you two will end up on the front of the tabloids if you don’t. Wear a hat and sunglasses; that should help.”

He sighed, “How are you going to sleep when you’re in L.A.?”

“I don’t really know. Your tee-shirt helps, but I might need you to visit me once in a while-if Candace doesn’t get too mad at us.”

“I’ve told her that I love her, but I’ve also told her she’s got to give me a little leash when it comes to you.”

“Come on leash-puppy, let’s get in a nap before she gets out of school.”

He laughed and followed me to the bedroom.

The time to make my temporary move to L.A. arrived way too soon. I wasn’t going to be staying in a hotel. They rented a mansion and put all of us in it-men and women. The house had eighteen bedroom suites and a huge, Olympic size pool, but it was a little unnerving for me to know we were all going to be together. They hired a pair of full time chefs to keep us fed and, of course, they kept a full time camera crew in the mansion. We had a weight room, sauna, and four limousines with drivers in case we felt like getting out of the house for a while.

Our first two weeks of live shows were still going to be divided as women on Tuesdays and the men on Thursdays, but, when we got down to four men and four women, the final eight would be singing together and it would no longer be an elimination of one from each side. Instead America would simply vote and every show the person with the least votes from the previous show would be let go.

We could still choose what we wanted to sing, but the live shows were themed and we had to pick from within the genre chosen by producers. The first week was pop. I made my choice and, for once, I didn’t have to go anywhere; the artist was coming to a private studio in L.A. for the practice. I had chosen the slow version of ‘Bleeding Love,’ by Leona Lewis. Kitkat and several others told me I was making a grave error by choosing one of her songs.

“She is like the next Mariah-you never touch the biggies like Streisand, Dion, Houston, Carey, those are the divas of death for someone to imitate-no one can compare to them.”

“Well then, I’ll be out of your way and you can win the competition,” I said. I honestly was ready to get out of all of this, but I certainly wasn’t going to back down from a challenging song. I was going to put my all in what I was doing and if I failed, then I got to go home, but if I succeeded then I’d prove my worth as a singer.

I never practiced quite as hard as I did with Leona to get that breathless kind of sultry, smoky quality to my voice. By the time I felt like I had the song down really well, I understood this was a song that had to be sung with as much sex appeal as I possessed. That wouldn’t be hard; all I had to do was think of Micah and the sex appeal came gushing out. I had a fashion designer help me with my outfit, and I spent extra time in the makeup chair. My hair didn’t need much more than a simple wave look because it was going to get a lot of hand-tousling on stage as I sang. I also needed a stage prop; I decided on a long, black leather couch.

My rehearsal turned a lot of heads, all of them male (and a few of them female). Don was telling me I was going to put our already soaring ratings completely through the roof if my performance went off as flawless as my rehearsal.

The night of the live show I was nervous, but I had hugged Ryan’s tee-shirt all night and managed five hours sleep, so I was rested and ready.

The lights were low as I started with the first whispered breaths, then the lights came up as I slowly rose from the couch, running my fingers through my hair. My full-length, red dress had a slit all the way to my upper thigh, a rhinestone band ran around my hips and one strip of stones went up the center of the dress, but other than that the entire midriff was totally sheer and then the rhinestones branched out and made a bikini type top and went over my shoulders as thin straps. My scar showed on my chest, but that was okay because the song contained the lyrics, ‘I’ll be wearing these scars for everyone to see.’

I looked at the camera as if it were Micah’s face as I continued to pour out the emotions the words begged for, “…something happened…the very first time with you. My heart melted to the ground, found something true. And everyone's looking round thinking I'm going crazy. But I don't care what they say. I'm in love with you. They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth. My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing-you cut me open and I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love.”

I danced slowly to the routine I had rehearsed so well that it was now completely natural. I finished the song as I laid back on the couch, my back arched and my hands clasped over my heart. The lights dimmed and then came back up to the roar of the crowd. I immediately rose and took my place in front of the panel of four judges. The comments ranged from, “This is what I was talking about stretching yourself,” to “You’ve set the bar tonight for the remainder of this competition. We might be looking at our winner.”

I hated the feeling of over-confidence, but I was on a natural high when I walked off the stage. The guys in the contestant waiting area were more than enthusiastic. Kitkat told me I did a good job, but she still seemed really annoyed that I had pulled off what she told me would be impossible.

Kitkat and the twins did a great job when it came time for their turns on stage, but Dobrey and Nicole both had an off night, and I knew one of them would be going home by the next show.

When I got back to the mansion it was eleven p.m., but I told Ryan I was going to call him and see what he thought about the show. It was one ring and he answered his cell.

“Hey,” I said, still feeling the euphoria pumping through my veins, “so what did you think?”

“Well, I got in a fight with Candace over it.”

“What?” I couldn’t imagine why they had a fight over my performance. It was then that I could hear the occasional swish of passing cars and I realized he was driving, “Did she toss you out of the house?”

“No, of course not, it’s our-I mean it’s my place, but I volunteered to go for a drive, so she could cool off.”

“Did you say something to piss her off?”

“No, baby girl, I didn’t have to say a word; the problem was body language.”

I was still stumped, “What do you mean?”

“You remember the night you were kissing my neck and we got a little too-”

“Yeah, I remember,” I stopped him before he could say more.

“I said what you did was so freaking sexy that I thought I was gonna die-well, that performance was right up there with the one in the bedroom and I must have, unconsciously, got a little too excited watching you. When she noticed, she slugged the crap out of me.”

I kept reviewing what he said as I tried to get the meaning. It finally hit me as he began to explain.