He swallowed as he looked at me with anguished filled eyes, “But-I-hurt-you,” he paused on every word to make his point.

“Yeah, you did, like nothing I’ve ever experienced. But as bad as that was physically, it didn’t even come close to the pain of leaving you. Come inside, Micah. We don’t have a lot of time together and-”

The expression changed quickly from sorrow to disbelief, “D’Angelo isn’t going to keep us apart.”

“He said if he finds out that we’re back together your family won’t last twenty-four hours. I’m not going to let that happen.”

“I’m going to kill him,” The words were ice cold as a flicker of blankness appeared in his eyes.

“No! You can’t go after him. I may not know much about how the mob works, but I know he’s your superior and you can’t touch him.”

“He’s used me since I was fourteen to do his dirty work-and I don’t mean things that were contracted. When he forced you into this, he stepped over the line and I am going to take his life in payment.”

“I want to ask you something, Micah, but, to tell you the truth, I’ve got to get inside because I still feel a little sick to…” He was out of the Jeep before I could finish the sentence.

I opened the bedroom windows and let the ocean breeze flow into the room and then lay down on the thick comforter, making room for him beside me. He hesitated and then finally joined me.

“D’Angelo told me something that day that’s bothered me ever since and I want to know if it’s true.”

“I’m sure it has something to do with all the people I’ve killed. I was hoping we’d never get into this, but,” he seemed to be steeling himself for my question, “go ahead.”

“Not everyone, just the first one.” I watched his reaction and knew this was the question he was honestly dreading, “Was it a woman? A woman you slept with?”

“I was fourteen, Leese,” he didn’t sound like he was offering it as an excuse, but just a sad beginning to a story I knew I’d regret hearing. “My dad determined I was ready to be a soldier for the mob, but D’Angelo was the one who told me I would be different. I should have paid with my life for what he had me do, but we have kept his private work secret from the rest of the family. Believe it or not, the mob values honesty at the highest level. If a superior asks you a question, you’d better be telling the truth. He’s had me lying to superiors ever since he had me kill the mob boss’s wife.”

I knew this wasn’t good. If he had been breaking mob rules from the beginning and D’Angelo used it against him… I pulled my body up close to him because I’d begun to shiver in the cool air. He reached over me and pushed the closest window frame shut, to keep the breeze off me.

“D’Angelo told me she was a whore, an unfaithful woman that had wormed her way into a marriage to the head of the clan. He said she didn’t deserve a place of honor in the family, but he would give her a chance by testing her loyalty-with me.” His breathing was getting shallower and I knew he hated having to tell me this. “D’Angelo said she had a particular weakness for young boys, and, if it was true, and she tried to seduce me, I was to kill her. He said I’d be doing the Boss a favor, but we would never let him know we’d handled it for him.” He paused, then asked, “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

“Yes,” I shivered, realizing it hadn’t been the breeze that was shaking me inside.

“She’d decided to spend a few days in Gulfport gambling and sunning on the beach. It was my first outing as a member of the mob and my parents trusted D’Angelo-they thought I was taking care of a small time hood that had been skimming business and was on the run. They never knew what I was really doing.”

“So he took you to where this woman was and-and…”

“I met her out on the beach. I had no idea what to do with a woman. D’Angelo told me to go over and say hello, offer to help her in some way or just hang out near her. He was right, she did like young boys, but particularly well-built young boys and it wasn’t long before she had me wrapped around her finger. I spent an afternoon getting to know her; she was beautiful, twenty-one years old and eager to be the first woman I’d ever slept with. I’ll never forget her bringing me into her room. I wanted to have sex with her, but the whole time I kept telling myself if we crossed that line, I was supposed to kill her. I didn’t want to hurt her; she was fascinating to me.”

“He never should have put you in a position like that, Micah. You were too young and-”

“And too stupid,” he added. “She took me and I was freaked out by the emotions. I hadn’t learned control and, after the first time, she aroused me again, and I knew I had to finish the job. If I didn’t, I’d be a failure-most likely D’Angelo would have killed me and returned home and told my parents that the target got me first. I didn’t have a gun; he never told me what to do, so I simply turned animal. She seemed to like getting rough, until I got my hands around her throat.” His voice caught on the last words. “I killed her with my bare hands and I swore I’d rather shoot someone than to do that again. You know what she went through, Leese. I did the same thing to you when I raped you.” The tears were washing down his face. The pain was incredible and intense for him.

“But you didn’t kill me, Micah. If you’d been under better control, you’d-”

“I never would have hurt you, Leese, if I could have helped it.”

He rolled over and caressed my cheek and then buried his face into my neck as I stroked his hair and tried to quiet his anguish.

“Is that all, Micah?” I had to know if there was anything more to what D’Angelo had done to him. I could feel him shaking his head no, but he didn’t seem ready to talk so I simply held him and waited.

When he finally raised his head, he seemed composed and ready to finish telling me what happened. “He was very-very happy with the way I killed her and so, to celebrate, he bought me a whore for the night as a gift for doing what he wanted.”

“You were a child, a fourteen year-old child, and he bought you a hooker?” I couldn’t keep the ire out of my response.

“Yeah, and if he hadn’t been in the same room with me when I… I almost killed her, too. My sexual drive had been linked to murder and I couldn’t see how to separate the two. I eventually learned control, but women were nothing to me. They were something to use and walk away from…until I met you.”

He rose up on his elbow to look down on me, seemingly wanting to touch me, but was hesitating, “You don’t know how different you are. You are so innocent, trusting and naïve, like some kind of creature that never existed in my world. When I met you, I came so close to killing you because you actually frightened me, and that was a new experience. You told me I had to be a gentleman; that was new for me, too. I had control, but I never had that kind of restraint. I couldn’t even kiss you. And then when you made the kiss your final request, all I could think was that it would be like going back to the real me-passion and death all over again.”

“Then this is what I feel coming from you when I know you’re getting near the edge. You’re trying not to go back to what he trained into you.”

“You can honestly tell? I mean, you can feel me losing control?”

“I see it mostly, usually in your eyes first, but yes I can feel when it’s slipping away from you.”

“How do you feel right now?”

“Safe, Micah, but…”

The soft smile that had started at the corners of his mouth, quickly faded, “But what?”

“I want you to make love to me, but I’d be lying if I said there was no fear.”

“I won’t make love to you. I don’t deserve-”

“I deserve you, Micah Gavarreen. I didn’t marry the monster, I married the man. You aren’t the person he trained you to be and someday I pray you’ll see that because I know you don’t want to be the monster.”

“Leese, I annulled our marriage. I have no right to be in your bed.”

“You didn’t annul my vow and I didn’t break my…” A pain hit me hard and I knew he saw it in my face.

“What’s wrong, baby,” he whispered.

“Micah, it’s been eight months and I’m assuming you-you probably didn’t keep your…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. I couldn’t make love to him if he’d been untrue, because I wouldn’t put the baby in danger from an experience he might have had.

“I didn’t sleep with anyone if that’s what you’re trying to ask me, Leese.”

I didn’t mean to seem so surprised, but I was.

“I don’t want you to think it was because I didn’t try. I don’t want to lie to you. Twice I hired someone to-to satisfy me, but each time I couldn’t. You don’t know how pissed off a hooker gets when she realizes that the man that bought her can’t get turned on by her. I was trying to go completely back to my old life, but I just couldn’t. I told you you’d ruin me for life for this-you’re the only one. Between the lack of sex and sleep, it doesn’t surprise me really that the steroids and amps put me over the edge so easily.”

“Sleep?” I said, cocking one eyebrow at him, “You couldn’t sleep?”

“I told you a long time ago, I can’t get comfortable without you in my bed. Why?”

“I couldn’t sleep either, I…” Maybe it was not the best idea to tell him how I finally solved the problem. “How did you manage it?” I changed the subject.

“It didn’t work quite as well as having you beside me, but I had a lock of your hair that I’d put on the pillow next to me. I’d close my eyes and rest my face against it. It was the only thing that kept me from total sleep deprived insanity.”

“Where did you get my hair?”

“The house you stayed at in north Georgia-you threw it in the trash. I loved your long hair and I can’t tell you how upset I was that you cut it. But, for the record, you’re a beautiful blonde, too. So,” he gave a weak smile, “how did you manage without me?”