I must have shown that I did not like Sir John.

I knew that Lehzen and Spath also did not like him. He used to look at them very sardonically, with a rather unpleasant expression in his eyes. I heard him speak of them both quite disparagingly to Mama when I was present. He said Spath was a silly blundering old woman, and he sneered at Lehzen's plebeian habit of munching caraway seeds. What shocked me was that Mama laughed with him, which I thought was disloyal to dear Lehzen who had been such a good friend to us both.

Sir John was a man who had a very high opinion of himself. I found out quite a lot about him because since the departure of Uncle Leopold he seemed to be forcing himself on my attention. He had abandoned his career in the Army to enter my father's service. He was half Irish and had an estate in Ireland that brought him a small income. He was an adventurer really; and had a swaggering way with him and seemed very confident that people—particularly women—were going to find him irresistible. He might have had some cause for this because Mama did seem to like him very much, and so did Aunt Sophia and several women of the household. I did not dislike Lady Conroy, but she was so insignificant that one hardly noticed her. His daughter Victoire gave herself airs and was certainly not my favorite companion. I felt I had continually to remind the Conroys that I did not regard them as of any great importance.

Victoire in particular was constantly referring to her father as though he were the head of the household. “My father says this …”

“My father says that …” And she behaved as though these pronouncements were law.

It was through her that I learned of the sneering remarks he made about my father's relations.

The King was mad, said Victoire to me; and she referred to Aunt Adelaide as “Her Spotted Majesty,” which was because Aunt Adelaide's skin was not very clear and there were sometimes blotches on it—a remark that must have come from her father because it was just the spiteful sort of thing he would say. She also told me that Aunt Adelaide wanted me to marry one of those horrid little Georges, and that her father was going to see that that never happened.

Victoire was always talking about the Bâtards who were trying to get all they could out of the King. She meant the FitzClarence children. She said it was disgraceful that they were allowed to come to Court, and her father had said that I should be forbidden to mingle with them.

It was infuriating to be told these things through Victoire and when I said this to Mama all she said was, “Oh, she is only a child and you should control your temper.”

I mentioned it to Lehzen, too. She was very distressed and poor old Spath said, “I don't know what things are coming to in this household. Now that the good King of the Belgians is no longer with us, things have changed for the worse.”

It was not only my relations whom Sir John sneered at. He made fun of me because he knew I did not like him.

“And how are the little dollies?” he would say, and there was a snigger in his voice as though he were implying what a child I was to be playing with dolls at my age. One could not explain to such a man that they were not ordinary dolls.

Then he would make fun of me. “You are getting more and more like the Duke of Gloucester every day.”

The Duke of Gloucester, who had married my Aunt Mary, was the most unprepossessing of men, and he was commonly known as Silly Billy because he was not very bright.

He could have reduced me to tears if he had not made me so very angry.

But these were small irritations, and I was to learn what real trouble this man could make.

One day when I was to present myself to Mama I went to her apartments. Spath was with me, but I ran on ahead.

When I entered the room Sir John Conroy was with Mama and they were talking together. I heard the words, “…a Regency… for the old man cannot live till she is of age…”

My mother was standing very close to Sir John and he was holding her hand.

I heard him say, “What a beautiful Regent you will make!”

I gasped because I thought he was going to kiss her.

Mama saw me then. Spath had come in and was hovering behind me.

Mama's color was very high and her earrings shook angrily. She seemed to quiver more than usual.

“Victoria,” she said in an angry voice. “What are you doing here?”

“Mama, it is my time for coming to you.”

“Dear me! You should not walk about so stealthily.”

I was often accused of boisterousness. This was something new. I felt very uneasy.

“Well, now you are here…”

“I see the Princess is not unaccompanied,” said Sir John in his sneering voice.

My mother frowned. “Oh …Spath …” The very way in which she said the poor Baroness's name was contemptuous. “It's you. Well, you will not be needed.”

Poor Spath, scarlet with embarrassment faded away and I was left with them. Mama seemed in an odd mood but Sir John was just the same as he always was, very composed, regarding me with that unpleasantly critical look as though I amused him because of some deficiency. I began to wonder whether I was getting too fat, as he was always hinting that I was.

When I saw Spath shortly afterward she seemed in a state of shock. I wanted to hear what she thought of the incident, for I could not get it out of my mind.

“Spath,” I said. “Did you think Mama was standing very close to Sir John Conroy?”

Spath looked at me with wide troubled eyes and as she did not reply I went on, “It did occur to me that he was on the point of kissing her.”

Spath caught her breath and still continued to look at me in silence.

“I think perhaps,” I went on, “Mama did not like our being there and seeing them, er… like that, because she immediately began scolding me, which people do sometimes when they are doing something about which they feel uncomfortable.”

Spath took a few more seconds to recover.

“My dear Princess, you must say nothing of this…of course that was not the case. The Duchess was no doubt asking his advice… about some…er, document… some matter… and it was necessary for her to stand close to him to show it to him.”

“I saw no document,” I said. “It was her hand he was holding…not a document.”

“Oh, you have been mistaken and I should say no more of this… not to anyone.”

I was very disturbed and that made me more alert. Poor Spath became so absent-minded that I knew she could not forget it either. I heard her whispering with Lehzen. I could not hear what was said but I knew from Lehzen's manner that she was giving Spath stern advice.


* * *

AUNT SOPHIA WAS having a little party in her rooms at Kensington Palace. There would be music and my two cousins George Cambridge and George Cumberland would be there, and so would Aunt Adelaide.

Aunt Adelaide, now Queen Adelaide, had come to ask Mama's permission for me to attend.

“Victoria sings so prettily,” said Aunt Adelaide. “We do want her to come.”

Mama graciously said I might go.

Mama never treated Aunt Adelaide as though she were the Queen. Indeed seeing them together one would have thought that Mama was of superior rank. Some might have resented that; Aunt Adelaide did not. She was all for peace and for overcoming family quarrels and getting us all together. I often thought that if they had all been like her we should have been a happier family.

I practiced singing with Mr. Sale all the morning; Lehzen had said other lessons might be set aside for once; and Mr. Sale said I was in good voice and was sure they would all enjoy my singing.

Lehzen helped me dress in my lovely white silk dress with the blue sash and white satin slippers.

“Lehzen,” I said, “do I look too fat?”

“You look lovely.”

“But fat! Sir John said I was a plump little princess.”

“That man! If you are plump, my dearest, then it is good to be plump. They will all think how beautiful you are and when they hear you sing…well, they will be astounded.”

“Oh Lehzen, you are the dearest person in the world.”

“Now, now. Stay calm. Remember you have to give a performance.”

What a pleasant afternoon! I did like my two cousins, they were both very attentive, and after my performance, which was very much applauded, Aunt Adelaide kissed me and said I sang like an angel. She also whispered how delighted she was that I had come and that the King wanted me to go and see him; and she was sure, if my Mama would allow it, there could be many happy gatherings like this with all the children.

I supposed that meant the little FitzClarences. I was sure Mama would not allow that; and it struck me as strange that a queen could love little children whereas a mere duchess thought herself too good for them.

I said, “I should love to come and to see the King.”

She smiled as though we shared a secret and said she would do her best to arrange it.

When I arrived back in our apartments it was to find Lehzen distraught and Spath almost hysterical with grief.

“What has happened?” I cried.

Spath could not speak but Lehzen came to me and put her arms round me.

“The Baroness is to leave us,” she said.

“To leave us!”

“Yes, she is going to your sister. Feodore needs her now that she is a mother. The Duchess thinks that Feodore needs her more than you do.”

“But I can't lose Spath.”

Spath emerged from her grief to give me a loving look. I dashed to her, “Oh dear, dear Spath… what does it mean? I will go to Mama…I will not have it. I am going to the Queen. I will not have it, Spath.”